fekkonam chiz daaram.., winter depression...

tired. back from protest. mom had teargas on the street and has red eyes.

tablo shodam emruz tu sharif. ba sina bargashtam khune ke tanha nabasham.delam tang shode barat dr! jat khali!

vaai in seriale FlashForward ro daaram mibinam jadidan. ba'ed alan vasatesh masalan maloom shod ke ye shakhsiatesh lesbiane (ghablan hint haash bood albate), oonam baa ye lesbianish kiss dar yek dinner date! kheili sexy bood be nazaram!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-ayQfoNBEk (02:36)

deltnagi:*

نگفتم بهت. 3 روز پیش با مامان دعوا کردیم. در حد شکستن میز و این حرفها. شب قرص خوردم زیاد. 10 تا اینا. به روز بعد که بیدار شدم با چمدون رفتم خونه مهرنوش. امروز صبح مهرنوش هم گفت اونجا نمونم. مجبوری برگشتم خونه . دلم میخواست مرده بودم. یعنی فکر کردم میمیرم اما وسط قرص خوردنه رسماً بیهوش شدم و قرص ها مونده بود توی مشتم

نمیدونم چرا به همه چی ریده شده.

tarse ajibi daaram.

doosti hast injaa ke man saalhaast mishnaasamesh. dooste doostpesarhaaie ghablim boode. too iran vali oooonghadi nemididim hamo ke bekhaaim beshnaasim o inaa.

dafe'ei ghabli ke oomadam aalmaan baraaie mosaahebe, baahaash khaabidam. nemidoonam bishtar az khaabidan shaayad bood. baa vojoode inke az tarafe daaneshgaah jaa daashtam, raftam khooneie oon va baa ham boodim. chand roozi bood ke khoob bood vaaghan.

ghablesh man taaze ali ro dide boodam ke oomadam aalmaan. gofte boodim doost hastim; man bekhaatere tajrobehaaie ghabli, motmaen boodam ke bargardam doost nistim. shaayad vaase in baa oon pesar kheili raahat khaabidam.

ye mas'ealeie dige, ine ke man balad nistam NA begam. yaa haddeaghal taa ghable ali balad naboodam. yani hamishe fekkardam nabaayad doostaamo naaraahat konam. baraaie hamin age kasi chizi khaaste ke man dalile khaassi baraaie mokhaalefat baahaash nadaahstam hatman chon bimoz'e boodam anjaamesh daadam ke oon doost khoshhaal she. in kheili mano aziat karde too zendegi. axare kasaaii ke baraashoon tarif mikonam ino, nemifahman. nemifahman chejoori mishe adam natoone NA bege. fek mikonan hatman khodam mikhaastam. vali man midoonam ke kheili vaghtaa kheili kaaraa ro kardam chon baghiaro khoshhaal mikarde va man dar moghaabelesh bitafaavot boodam.

hala in doost, az vaghti gharar shod biaam aalmaan, chandin baar msg zad ke delesh sexe baa man ro mikhaad. goftam ke doospesar daaram. kheili mohtaramaane ma'ezerat khaast baarhaa ke bitavajjoh be relationship statusam oon harfaa ro zade.

oomadam injaa, hamishe komakam boode. khodesh shahre digeiie. vali hamishe harkaari balad naboodam yaadam daade. naamehaamo hamaro tarjome mikone va har komaki ye dooste kheili khoob betoone kone.

vali az vaghti oomadam, bitavajjoh be doospesar daashtanam, daaeman az inke belakhare baa man sex mikone sohbat mikone. man nemidoonam keyaa harf jeddie keyaa shookhi. vali fek mikonam jeddie.

man hamishe modaam az ali migaml va oon hamishe mige ke in raabete maskharas.

hala emshab, alan, zang zad. ke in hafte ke bikaari biaa injaa. va tozih daad chejoori biaam ke arzoon she. man moondam chi begam. aakhar goftam oonjaa koochike chizi nadaare to biaai injaa manteghitare. fek nemikardam bege miaad; vali goft aare harfet manteghie!!! ba'ed goft be har haal yaa to biaa, yaa man, yaa berim ye jaaii, HATMAN.

taa jaaii ke shod sa'ei kardam jaaie dar-ro baraaie khodam bezaaram, ke bayad bebinam shayad supervisoram bege biaa lab. goft be har haal aakhare haftaro ghat'ean nemige. harfi nadashtam bezanam.

aakharesh, goft, in larzeshi ke az tars too sedaat miofte kheili khoobe!

vaaghan mitarsam mahsa. nemidoonam bayad chi kaar konam. nemidoonam yaad gereftam begam NA? nemidoonam baayad be onvaane ye doost baahaash beram yaa chon midoonam mikhaad bokonim naram. nemidoonam mahsa.

mitarsam.

bilit gereftam! 25dec-8jan!>:D<

رفته بودم پراگ. دیدمش و حرف نزدیم.ادا در می آورم که همه چیز خوب است و میشود پشت بار نشست وپشت کرد به او و چای خورد. و انگار نه انگار، و چشم دوخت به امیر و پوریا و کتاب خواند.
و پشت کرد به همه این دنیای الان حشیش گرفته جمعی که از هم پاشید، و تک تک آدم هایش هم از هم پاشیدند و شدندآدم های دیگری که یک واژه هم نتواند میانمان باشد.

تنهایی اینجاست. وسط کافه ای که همه آدم هایش را به اسم و قیافه و گذشته شان میشناسم. اما هیچکدامشان را با من حرفی نیست. شقه ای از من هنوز عاشق آن دنیاست و عاشق آن آدم های گذشته...و انگار هیچوقت نبوده اند. انگار دلم برای آدمی تنگ شده باشد که مرده. و این آدمی که من پشت به او میکنم و شبیه اوست، هر لحظه روی این دلتنگی من و روی قبر همان آدمی که قدیم بود تف بیاندازد

جهالت میلان کوندرا برایم به حقیقت پیوست. زندگی عجب داستان دردناکیست

دلم دپرشن های کافه های پر دود تهران رو میخواد. دپرشن هایی كه براشون میتونستم هزار و یک دلیل بیارم؛ نه دپرشن های بی دلیل اینجا رو.

تصویر من از من نفرت انگیز است. قرص ها بیشرمتر از همیشه این تصویر را پاک نمیکنند. کابوسهایم چنان آمیخته شده با این آدم کج و معوج، آدم احمق چرند....

به آخر خط خیلی وقت بود رسیده بودم

dochaare ye depressione khaassi shodam. inke zood aadat mikonam be sharaayet.., haghighatan joz maman baba delam vaase hishki o hichie iran tang nemishe omooman. vali dar eine haal injoori nis ke khoshaal baasham az zendegie injaa; ye jooraaii ehsaas mikonam zendegi nemikonam, migzaroonam faghat, bedoone inke baraam mohemm baashe ke ye kaare hayejaanangiz konam yaa adamaie hayejaanangiz bebinam. ehsaas mikonam ke ghablan hichvaght hichi naboode..., kollan injooriam fekkonam, vaghti ye chizi tamoom mishe, ehsaas mikonam hichvaght naboode. axare khaateraate madresam mahv o gongan. hanooz hichi nashode, gaahi khoob baayad fekr konam taa yaadam biaad khaaterehaaie daghighe daaneshgaaho. delam vaase hich ex ii tang nemishe. midooni, ehsaas mikonam hichvaght hichi naboode, ba'ed ehsaas mikonam alan faghat ye doreie gozaraas ke faghat baayad begzaroonamesh, va dar eine haal hich hayejaaniam vaase aayandam nadaram. fekkonam maale tanhaaiie..., nemidoonam vali. shaayadam maale hormone haa o inaas va period sham khoob sham. faghat midoonam ke in zendegi kardan nis.

دوس دارم با تو هم قهر کنم. یعنی میدانستی و به من نگفتی؟؟ یعن گذاشتی دلم خوش باشد که برمیگردم و روزی از نو؟؟ امروز قصه خوردم زیاد. ملت حق داشتن به من بخندند

چرا هیچ بهانه ای برای زنده ماندم نمانده؟؟؟؟؟:(

back. love you.

those that I fall in love with, never fall in love with me. this is all my unfortunate attempts.

he was great, though he did not see me at all. though he ignored me. or I ignored my emotions. Future nostalgia. and the life goes on

and so it's over. I'm not emotionally smart enough. I may even cry on the way. the world has no place for some of us. not life friendly enough to be accepted in the cycle.

alan dar vaziate kaamelan fuck hastam:

1. radiatore khoonam kaar nemikone, albate sard nis hanooz, vali chera man???

2. accounte daaneshgaam id-m ro nemishnaase, albate mishe ye rooz raft goft o hal mishe, vali cheraa man?:((

3. badtarin gande momkeno zadam, vaase credit card gharar bood baram pin biaad, man fek mikardam code bayad baashe, gooyaa hamin chize hologram boode ke man dar jostojooie code paare kardam!!, taghsire man nabood:(( dor taa doresh jaaie paare kardan daasht! va chasbiam nabood hatta,. ah in ghashang daare geryamo dar miaare dige:(

bad, bad
how is it for you?

Have you noticed every possible disaster happens to me?:)) well I passed the swine flu check in Beijing, which I was worride about, but they lost my luggage! I knew it's not gonna be a relax travel again. Now there are three cases:- one the document I lost, two the luggage I lost, and three the double payment for the ticket is not refunded yet. Seriously every fuckin thing happens to me!

BTW, ppl are crazy about swine flu here. they have masks and stuff and foreigners seem to be the only relax group about it in both Beijing and Seol airports!And then, I can not figure out what's on the boards :)) I think they should atleast use kinglish (korean-English!)for names and streets!

and something, I want the hole women's prison series. The other night I was talking about your amazing self portraits and I want to show that album to some friends. Yes. I'm so proud of u!

residi khabar bede. negaranet shodam az bikhabari :*

donatde blood for the last time in Europe.I´m so nervous for tomorrow that I have my Korean embassy appointment. so weak against this visa stuff.

do you mind opening an account with your name in Munich, that I use to put my money in it. and as well, getting a credit card with your name for that account that I use? I wanted first to do it in UK where my cousin is. but her bank once rejected Iranian funds and I was hoping Germany would be better. I keep my Spanish account till you settle. But after that if you open this one I will transfer the funs in my spanish account to that one. then I can keep a credit card for three years and give you the money I have to put it there whenever you come home.

last day. smell the air of your home...and keep it till you find a new one.

I´m devastated

I'm beginning to think that there's at least one reason to be happy right now:

"I'm getting closer to Ali :)"

or shall I say the only reason?:P

I did not get visa. I will be back in Iran in less than a month. do you think we meet again? do you think we survive this? I´m in my depression mode...

we will not survive

we will not survive

daaram dep misham narafte!

:)))

I quite enjoy the fact that the Chinese girl is so pissed at me that she uses every opportunity to ruin me infront of others. and it's the 2nd time I keep her unanswered.

people are stupidly funny

Chen Xin Fianlly made up her mind to do PHD other than learning Spanish and French... Then her name is just missed in the list....
9 hours ago · Comment · Like

Mahsa Taheran
but you say you knew...so why you decided to do a PhD instead of French and Spanish when you knew they wouldn't put your name??!
Chen Xin
Don't take everything so serious... Mahsa... People are just joking..... Also a suggestion....

Mahsa Taheran
well I didn't get a joking thone, both times you said that sentence.

Chen Xin
................. Because you are serious................. That's the reason you are easily to be angry... and easily to be complaining..

:))The girl is such a kid,..., and though I was tempted to say something like: oh baby, you know everything! or something annoying, I dcided to laugh at this behaviour with Lucia. Though I could be mad as well, cause she is obviously very impolite and FB is where everyone reads everything... but I know she is not worthy of even answering.

khube!!khoshgele!!! in curvehaye shoma hamaro koshte dge

rasti, un axe to o goli kami ironic bud, ehtemalan be kahtere hozure penhane ali. shayad vase man ke har 3 tatuno mishnasam va ba niusha o ali ghadima doos budam ...:*

hafteie dige, in moghe, too otaaghe jadidam khaabam mibare?

emshab natoonestam bemoonam khooneie niusha ina; delam tange mamanam bood.

aakharin 5shanbe shab too tehran.

kamkam daare tars migiratam.

maman, baba, va tanhaaii.

there is one capability that eases the pain of life... learn not to get used to. temporary nature of everything in the stream of life...I´m so lost, as all the memories are running away from me. I can´t touch the moments, they´re turning to memories in near future. It´s a crazy state of being out of your life and looking at it as a future memory happening in present, as I know I will not see these people from Next Monday, I will be disappeared from all the corridors and lunch times and coffee breaks. I don´t know if I want a static picture ... but the vertigo of a life turning and turning is not pleasant now.

the life goes on, but there will be something missing after each breaking point.

Hey hey I missed u>:D< When is ur trip?:*

The annoying time:
I work with one of my classmate for conference and stuff. but he keeps feeling so close to me. he is extremely nice, and does whatever I need. but I see him as a classmate. worst part is when he gets worried if we don´t email or talk for a day. kind of feel like I have to report my day to him. This is getting sometimes absolutely annoying. I even don´t tell my sis or my BF or my parents about my everyday plan. don´t know what to do with it. I try to be nice, but can´t deny that I´m pissed.

Alprazolam?....still have one package to go.

The report found that alprazolam is the most common benzodiazepine for recreational use followed by clonazepam, lorazepam, and diazepam. Those who have used other drugs for leisure are particularly likely to use alprazolam recreationally


I´ll take it

ham faareghotahsil shodam, yani daanehsnaame movaghat gereftam, ham doctor shodam, yani shomaare nezaam gereftam!:D baavaram enmsieh hamechi tamoom shod o khoob pish raft!:D

in 2rooz 2taa lebaase shab kharidam!:D taa hala nadahstam!:D hayejaanangizan:D

European fascism. strong and alive.

hate, is eating my strength.

=))))))))))))someone on FB used a hilarious expression:
BeFuckinUtiful..BeFuckinLoved

awesome:))))))))))))

oh, just that I believe you're much more beautiful and absolutely lovelier than all the girls I've seen in his page. don't worry about it at all.:d

az emshab daaram LD ro ba'ede e saal o nim mizaaram kenaar. ehsaas mikonam ye balaaii saram miaad:D

When I'm getting wiser, or experienced, or frigid

Rouzbehan Amiri September 8 at 5:43pm
yani to vaaghe'an tehraani o khabar nadaadi?

Mahsa Taheran September 8 at 8:28pm
mail zadam bet. ki gofte man tehraanam?

Rouzbehan Amiri September 13 at 3:08am
kojaa'i yani? :))

Mahsa Taheran September 13 at 4:54am
hmm. hastam dge. zendeam. to ham ke engar zendeyi. hamin kafie.kollan ye moddat ye bar khabare zende budan az ham begirim . khube
gharar shod ye ruz ettefaghi bebinim hamo dge.:)

I guess I haven't told you that I have bought a mini-laptop recently. So today I was transferring my files from the pc to this and saw this pic of mine. I used to call these series "Women's Prison" as you can probably know why from my style...; compare it to my current innocent fb pic!!:D Anyway; suddenly I missed smoking so much. You know I can't smoke at home, actually my family don't know that I do. But what I missed was actually the way I could smoke. I can't smoke good any more, I have serious nasal polyps and tehrefore I can't take the smoke inside. So I get so little of Nicotine and moreover it doesn't feel as good as it should, actually feels very bad! That's why I am trying to quit, not that I smoke much, but even that little.

Miss happy smoking days! (which actually were not my happy days!)

Andrea and Isidro are so nice to me these last days of my stay here. I´m sure I´ll miss the time I spend with them..with all the kossher we say (absolute kossher, as good as our discussions in Tehran) we call it nonsense discussions. I should tell you some of them, you´d like these nonsense discussions.yes, I should write them in diary.

do you remember Nazli´s diary from highschool??hilarious

Now, the only thing that makes me abit cal is writing here.
I´m having a bad day. I have lots of works left and I am not capable of doing them. I got my GPA and it´s definitely below the minimum for PhD application. Which pisse me off. Why? cause I stupidly helped everyone in the class with some courses, and they never helped me back with my weak points. Now I have worse marks. although I think I´m more science oriented than most of them, but I can´t study for things that I don´t like or when I don´t like the teacher, and I can´t understand why people think of it as competition and I don´t do. anyways, they piss me off. I´m not gonna care. I´m going to get another master in humanities, even if it´s just possible in Iran. and start over. well, honestly, I admit I feel ¨not smart¨and ¨not talented¨because of my grades. but we know they´re just stupid marks. they have nothing to do with my talent:d

and thenwhy I take so many tasks, more than what I really can do?? you´ll laugh if I name them: I have two paper manuscripts due next Friday, one poster presentation due 23rd September, I´m in a team for some disaster management researches, I ´m writing a paper with my mom. I will be a rapporteur in the conferences I go in Korea. I am co organizing a NASA student contest in Iran. I should write the report for my company as well. and I should get my visa for France and Korea. and at the same time plan Mehrnoosh and Nima´s vacation, and go with them. Well, and I wanted to look for job but I simply don´t have time. what do you think???fuckin hell. and I´m helping a friend for his thesis. (oh, I see 90% of the works are volunteer work. I´m stupid)

and oh I forgot, hazhir told me they wanted to make a political group of leftists in Europe...and that we had to discuss it...and I was so busy to get back to him.:(

you know the problem???????I shouldn´t be that honest. maybe I´d better not answer his wueation that I had arrived or not. maybe...maybe I should just leave him without any trace of myself, and leave myself without any trace of him

I had a great day yesterday. We talked a lot and I really felt him close. And I can't hide how great I felt when he was telling how much he misses me and I should go to Budapest ASAP.

But just some minutes ago, I saw a very beautiful Iranian girl in his fb list from Budapest and I know he's gonna be at her place tonight. Can't stop worrying. I know that I can't be worried all the time about the people he meet and again i know that there is never ever any thing that can make us relaxed about those stuffs. Yet, I get worried knowing how these first weeks people act in their new environment.

I wish the girl was not that beautiful...!lol

religious people are sometimes absolutely annoying. silly. they start discussion with the assumption of god...without a logical base, what the fuck can you tell them??????????I admit that I hate them at these moments. I can´t even hear one more word from these people saying that Islam is originally different with the shit we´ve known by far. they don´t understand how silly they sound.

shit stupid world. shit stupid humans. shit life. stupid efforts to make it better...:((((((((((

got a message on FB from him. he thought I'd been back and hadn't told him. I said I wasn't back. don't know how he got the idea. although this was exactly what I wanted to do. I don't see any reason to tell him.

he is a tranquillizer.

I am feeling much more better today. I had a very bad day yestreday, I was really dep and Ali was not online, it was his first day at uni. And I don't want my mom and dad to see me upset about this cause I really can't get in a discussion with them. I slept most of the day and also chatted with a friend of mine and he kept reminding me that I'm gonna be ok and it's his first days in that new environment and in the end, long distance sucks. Anyway, as far as I remember I just slept and studied a bit german yesterday.

But today is much better. I woke up telling myself that this can't be my life. Though I was still upset that I couldn't talk to Ali last night cause he had a guest for lunch, I tried to get myself busy with the things I should keep in my mind for Munich and the dates and bla bla. It's also Hamid's birthday today and I tried to have a cheerful voice on the phone. I think it gets much worse when I have nothing to do; all the thoughts rush into my head and I remember how much I miss him.

I have 22 more days in Iran and I think it's not that long to waste it by being depressed. I would go after my Veterinary medicine Number (which makes me an official vet!) tomorrow. I also had a great news from one of my friends, and looks like I can get my temporary uni certificate in time.

That's all for now:)

Then the life sucks

I was looking for my BSc codes in my mailbox...
the following lines suck , extremely. 2 years ago:

roozbehan amiri wrote:
salaaaam azizam, khub baashi!
golaabi, baa voa dar morede dokhtare che dar ut mosaahebe kardam, kolli ham topogh zadam!
che khub ke ehsaas kardam hame chiz daare ru revaal miofte! talaash kon va shaadi ham faraamush nakon. azizam, joz naame neveshtan naamehaaye soti baraaye ham befrestim, ya'ni sedaaye hamo zabt konim va mail bezanim, khube na? man az ut mitunam in kaaro bokonam!
khabare khaasi nadaaram , zendegi ma'mulie, delam tang shode baraat, kami opensource khaaham khaand in chan ruz!
aaashghetam, aaashghetam, aaashghetam, aaashghetam, basse yaa baazam begam? take care baby.
:XXXXXX


I know you´re sensitive now.sorry for posting this honey:*

I think the problem is, every time, I feel "this would work cause this relation is different"; while it is not about the relation, but the distance that fucks it anyway.

I have my thesis presentation tomorrow. abit nervous. but more worried about you. maybe we can talk tomorrow???? or if you want to talk about it of course.I just want you to feel good:*

you made me worried

This

won't

work

.

-and no more comments on that-

think you are not fine now. how was it in the airport? how you feel now??
though I was frustrated today, but at the same time half of my mind was occupied with thinking about you. I want everything to be ok for you, and ali as he is a part of your life. :**


I know you are 06re smart and confident and beautiful to need me, and though people usually dont count on me as someone to be with them in difficulties,I want you to know I will do whatever to see you happy and hapy and happy.

you will talk with him very soon again.:***

will you be in Munich end of december?? or you gonna meet Ali somewhere else?
I was thinking of getting my flight back to Iran (if I go to France) and that to meet before leaving. tell me about your schedule

Guess we had our last sex, for now. Let's see when (and who?!) would be the next one.

btw I was thinking now that you won't be in Iran in September, can't u just get a schengen after your Korea trip and come to Munich?:P :P

this is getting annoying. I noticed how stupid is my life: I was in office average 11 hours these weeks. I come home, can't concentrate on anything else. read news and blogs, watch a movie, eat and sleep. that's what I didn't want.:( I have thousands of works to do in September. I thought I would have more time when thesis is done, but it's even worse.
what did you do finally with housing?

then, I should again say that , despite the stupidity of what I say, I still love hugh grant type. don't laugh at me:p (not serious, but just fun)

آخرین شنبه...

He'll won't be here next week in this time, whether I like it or not. Last night was his goodbye party. We all had so much fun, though couldn't help my tears for some seconds. My wish came true and I could sleep beside him once more. I would miss that simple room with that feministic library and that single bed that we've learned to sleep together in it. I would miss him. Just have to hope that things go our way.

Seeing ppl living happy outside Iran is making me jealous. I fear I might not fit into Munich.

I never felt this much great with anyone.

what's wrong with Ali?:( he's mad at me without any reason. hmmm. mige az to beporsam chera abesh ba man tu ye joob nemire:(

just sth I think about these days, not truely radom to be honest with you.
What would you do if you were really interested in a homosexual guy? I mean really interested...
I asked Andrea, and he says you should not fall for a homosexual (from a different sex of course). well of course I control myself, but controlling is a big lie, isn't it??? when someone turns you on, controlling doesn't mean that he would not turn you on anymore...

I won an essay contest, the prize covers my flight ticket to Korea, for a conference!
It was surprizing. winning an essay contest gives a good feeling. I think 35 essays were in the contest, 35 from expert young people in my field.

I remembered how much I wanted to be a writer, to be a good writer, I remebered when I used to write children stories and my sis painted pictures for each page and we made hand-made books together. now she is an accountant and I´m an engineer. life kills everything in us.

and I remembered that strange dream I had about Borges at 15. Isn´t it weired that I remember some of my night dreams after several years? vivid memories.
I should write the remaining pages of my thesis draft (20-30) today. should work fast.
I love you.

عصبانی و ناراحته از دستم. بحثمون شد، منم که عصبانی میشم غیرقابل تحمل حرف میزنم فکر کنم. امیدوارم بتونه فراموش کنه، خیلی ناراحت و عصبانی شد...

این روزا همه چیز دست به دست هم میدن انگار... بهترین سکس های ممکن.

امروز دائم با هم بودبم، 12 ساعت. بعد فهمیدم با دوستاش قرار بوده بره جایی، نرفت که با هم باشیم. نمی بخشم خودم رو اگه با کسی بخوابم!

2 years ago, I waited every second to hear someone asking me not to leave. I knew it would be over when he didn´t say a word, he kissed me, a good bye. and that was all.

love is a dead world.

قول داده بودم نشمرم این روزهای آخر رو.. عدها رژه می رند اما... 19... که الان حتی شده 18... و جمعه صبح زود که می شود به عبارت درست تر 17...

بهترین هم میشه هر لحظه! امروز با اون ریش کوچیکش جذاب ترین بود.. پوست هامون که لمس میکنن همو انگار نمیخوان جدا شن...

دائم از خودم می پرسم تا کی باید هر کیو که دوست دارم به خاطر فاصله از دست بدم؟

یهو می بینم که دارم بااااز دنبال پوزیشن می گردم تو بوداپست.. بعد یادم میاد که دختر جان! آخه اگه باشه، میری؟! بی خیال آلمان؟! به همین سادگی؟! دردسرهای ویزا چی؟ یا ترس باقی اد ها رو می بینم. پوزیشنی نیس. ناراحت شدم.

نمی خوام بره. عین بچه ها فکر می کنم اگه دستشو ول نکنم می مونه. بعد فکر می کنم اگه بره، من می مونم؟! اگه من برم چی؟! من 3 سال درس دارم. عین بچه ها فکر می کنم بزرگ شدیم و یه کاریش می کنیم حتما.

دوسش دارم.

همخوابه های قدیمی همیشه همان جا هستند، با همان لودگی دوست داشتنیشان!

نگرانی ام از تنها شدن بی جهت نیست...

hmmm. not good. not good. Mylife is shit. I have been asleep for 20 hours, without even being drunk. I'm awfully depressed I suppose. woke up once around midnight, and found a half broken cigarette, smoked and slept again till midday today,and again from 4 to 6. sounds bad. I should have 40 pages of my thesis tomorrow, and I have 10 pages written. I should have made two reports, none is done and deadlines are passed. don't know what the fuck I'm doing. It's not even PMS. (my period just finished two days ago)I ate the whole package of chocolate powder!!! and two big cheese packs. with lots of almonds. and have a bad headache. and I want absinthe, good that I can't find it here where I live.
I'm in serious trouble.

I´m so alone, I need you. thesis is awfully difficult to write , 3 weeks left and I have 20 non edited pages down, program is not complete, charts are not done , everything gives crap results. and I´m sad. and lonely.

boghz. boghz. boghz.
and someone said all the protest and stuff are over. do you think it would be a period of disappointment? like after 1332 coup? my heart is kind of heavy. and I´m afraid.
:* love you

Have you watched Closer? watch it if you have not, it's not new but well worth the time. first: isn't Jude Law-Portman the cutest couple ever? Second: I fancy a Jude Law with British accent. Third the last image reminds me of someone:p. Fourth: It's good, even apart from the second point.Fifth: It's a sad one. Just what you can expect from a movie about relationships, that doesn't try to lie.
Friday night: I made a lovely food after work, pour myself some Italian liquer, drinking and watching a movie. I miss you:*

P.S: Mom and Nima and Mehrnoosh were protesting yesterday:)d

Another important thing happened yesterday. We went to Neda's house. Masoud's and Kianoosh's family came too. It was a day to remember for me as I am not an activist like he is! Lots of things I've experienced with him.. :)

Yesterday, I asked him to get engaged to me! He laughed and said honey we both know you can't commit that! I told him that's exactly why I want to have something more serious to hold on to, something to keep me committed! Of course right after I finished my sentence, I knew how stupid it was! So then we discussed on how things are gonna be while we live apart. I love his maturity, his rationality. We made a vow to change our facebook status to "in an open relationship" right after one of us slept with someone else! hihi:P

are you out? I can´t get news here, and don´t know if there was a protest in Tehran r not. come back and tell me later.

Love you girl, always

I confess: I´m officially a racist

I hate lots of girls. you want to know the reason? here you are:
I told you my ex got married. And I told you his wife was also our friend and our classmate. and I´m really happy that they are happy.
His wife, Sara, had an internship with one of our Indian classmates, a real asshole. I was asking how they know eachother when I saw the comments on their wedding photos on FB. and I just said that the groom was my ex. and the Indian asshole, told me that I just loved him and he had not been my ex (probably as he was said by SOMEONE). I got really mad. What this girl had thought: that I´m so in love after 4 years broke up?(I can really laugh at such a stupid idea) why the girls are that stupid? I absolutely hate these kind of behaviour. I don´t blame it on the Indian guy, in my mind Indian = asshole, other than exceptional Indians ( 10% of those I know). I know this is a racist idea. But whatever...fuckin stupid. my brain is exploding.

NOKIA

message!

I don´t have FB, Can you please tell this to Ali?

Ali jan
I again suggest: Sarcasm is not the way to asnwer Nima. You could ask him to prove his claim. you could ask any questions... you could show any fact against his claim. Please don´t choose sarcasm. This is not the answer, not the one I expect from someone like you. you are offending your character rather than defending Hajjarian and others.

Kisses
Mahsa

I'm trying to get a place to live in Munich. I still can't decide if a students' dorm is better or a single room flat. My brother and the univarsity recommend the first one, so that I would have some time to spend with new ppl to get familiar with the city and specially learn new culture and language, and of course ot have the shock of loneliness. Hamid says I can get the flat in the second semester.

I myself prefer the flat anyway. Cause I want to have a place if family and friends, specially Ali, would like to come for a visit. But then again may be this can be an opportunity to know more ppl and make communication.

Which one do u think is better?

It's 12:40 a.m. and I was out with Ali and 3 of his friends. I'm too sleepy to write my comments on ur posts, which means I have comments but too tired to write:P Would write everything tomorrow:*

But I had to write this:

I did not enjoy tonight at all. All the time I felt like those friends are not having fun with us. I told that later to Ali but he diagreed and told me I don't make good communication with ppl that are not my friends and that makes me think of everything in another way.

I think both are right. I truly feel the guys didn't like Ali and well I hate to see that, knowing how much he loves ppl. But then again what if I'm wrong? What if that's how I think ppl think about him? In that case, I'm very upset with myself!

And yes I'm very bad at makig communication with ppl that are more active than I am. I feel weak, I feel like I bore them with my talks and I have nothing new to share.

I smoked a lot today. My head aches now and suddenly I hated all the smell that was running in my head. I took my head under the water for some minutes trying to wash that feeling away. I hate this feeling.

I gotta sleep to forget this not likeable night, the smell, the feeling, the weakness.

hmmm

this is a new feeling...one of my ex boyfriends got married this week, with one of our friends. I was with hosein almost two years, and well, in my standards two year is looooooooooong. I was the one who broke up of course, but he wanted to annoy me, and make me jealous, and so he started a relationship with my close friend when we were almost done with our relationship. he kind of pretended to everyone that he was betraying me, and I was really mad. I felt myself really stupid to stay with such a kid for two years (fortunately it was all over). I don´t want to say it was a really bad relation at first ( we had a pretty good time together, and well he was a gopod pianist, and he was from a creepy rich political family, and his father had a philosophy PhD from Paris, and they knew lots of interesting people ofcourse), but sometimes some people turn out to be disgusting in some specific details. then I can´t help it, even if I´m sure he is a nice kind person.

I don´t know how I really feel now, I´m kind of feeling old, or feeling everyone is really really far from my life now. I´m happy with my life, marriage and stuff like this make me depressed. now that everyone around me is getting married- can you imagine: bahar ameri, minoosh mohaghegh, sarvenaz aghazamani, ima tavakkoli, my lovely sister,...- I feel like I´m the only person with this problem, that I can´t stand details of the people, e.g. how they smell. how they walk, how they laugh, how they show their love...does it sound stupid?It´s funny that I did not have time to find Rouzbehan disgusting. It is probable to do so given enough time.

I forgot to tell you...my self injury is much better I think. I´m more conscious about it. It is not gonna be perfect of course. there are scars but they are less red now. and few of the scratches and injuries are left on my arm. I hope not to start again.

yeaaaaa, right. there are lots of great things...the not so appealing parts are:

- you won´t be there
- not too many friends left in Iran
- even Mona Sedighi will be in Germany if everything with her admission goes right. I myself paid her admission fee last week and they said they would send the visa letter for her. I´m happy for her and sad for myself.
- I don´t lie to you: I know I want to be with Rouzbehan when I´m back. And I don´t know his feelings. this makes me horrified.
-I´m afraid of the creepy economy there. I know my dad stopped working since I moved here. and I should be able to support myself financially. I should get a well paid job, whatever it is. that makes me feel better, cause I don´t want my dad to work again in this creepy situation. he shouldn´t have lots of pressure on him.

Well I'm happy to hear that u're coming on 20th. I have to start my semsenter in October, so I should be in Munich some days before that. I think we can at leat spend a day tofgether:*

I'm so sorry about hearing that job-shit. What happened?! But wanted to come back anyway..., don't worry about that. I know it would be hard to be back in Iran, but at least you don't have all those pressures of being lonely on yourself, and that would make it easier for you to have a control on yur life:* And let me tell you, the other day Rouzbehan asked me if I wished to leave Iran later, and the answer was yes. The history's happening here, it's really great to be involved with every detail despite of all the danger and depression I suppose. So just think of the great sides of your coming back!>:*<

well! good to hear from you!!
I saw the beautiful photos of your graduation. you were all lovely, and I´´m soooooooooo happy you succeeded. now, enjoy every second of it:d

too much pressure here on me. I lost the job, I get my ticket back to Iran for around 20th of September, and I hope to see you at least once before you leave. my thesis is really in bad situation and I should work really hard this last month. my superviser was asking me what I would do now that I lost the job, and I didn´t know. when people ask me about the objective in my personal life, I should say I don´t have any; I was born in a specific place and time that I have my very own objective in life be a social one; I believe we were not given the opportunity to have a personal goals on top of our list, but I devote myself to give the next generation a better chance. Ofcourse there can be love and success and these things, but I think they happen without us craving for them. what I crave is building a free socity, how far and difficult it may seem. And this is what people here do not understand, cause they take it as granted.

Mom and dad are not really happy with me coming back, and the only one giving me some confidence is my lovely brother in law. I can´t say I´m relax, but I´m not making a big deal out of it.

I miss you girl:* I really miss talking to you these days. good that between all these crazy politics, and sad news we hear everyday, there are people like you around.take care of yourself. enjoy every second of this month, I´m so happy that you succeeded.

lots of love:*:x

It's alllllllllllllllllllll done! I feel happily ever after! The exams are over, the internships, the thesis, the visa process.., well almost everything is finished. I have a bit left but that's alright.

I do miss u:* I hope u unederstand how much pressure I had these last weeks. I can't believe I actually finished everything right in the last minutes! hihi!

4weeks from now and again I'll be alone. I prefer not to count the days and let us have as much as fun as possible.

It's like living in a nightmare: each day waking up, checking the news before everything, and another killed sister or brother...

Tell me what's up with u:*

:((

:((

boycott!!

yesterday I was sitting near my window, the place I always like anywhere I live. It was all quiet just the voice coming from the folk music concert in the plaza.

It was good, but I fell from m desk when I wanted to go back in the room. and I hit the chair with my neck, and the desk fell on me after that. I was kind of lucky not to break my neck. It is still red and painful and I can't talk alot or move it alot. don't know if it is serious and gonna be like this for along time. I have bad scratches on arms and legs, but they stopped bleeding yesterday.

you seem really busy. hope it all ends successfully for you!!! shagerd avval sho:d

how is it going?????

I´m being totally stupid.
Is it because I just started my period? probably.

Honey, you should read this: http://dodsonandross.com/sexfeature/myth-vaginal-orgasm-anne-koedt

I loved this paragraph:
"Masturbation finally puts an end to the concept of frigidity. If a woman can stimulate her clitoris to orgasm she is orgasmic and sexually healthy. "Frigid" is a man's word for a woman who cannot have an orgasm in the missionary position in five minutes with the kind of stimulation that's only good for him."


Love you!!!

good that you feel better. good!!

yea. I know my relationship with my mum really sucks when we're near...but it's much better when we are far away. Although I miss her, I don't know if I can live with her again after I go back in October. (considering the fact that you won't be there, Mehrnoosh is married and not with us anymore, I won't be with Rouzbehan to balance my depression...)

We were talking randomly with Lucia last night, around 3-4 AM when we were waiting for the night bus to come back to TresCantos from Madrid. About sex and lesbians and stupid cultural points in the east and love and stuff like that. I suddenly remembered why exactly I felt I would always love Rouzbehan after we broke up. I should tell you this once, in an email or when we will be randomly talking.

Lucia said there was a very good and different sex shop in Madrid that we should definitely go.

Ignorance:
The state in which one lacks knowledge, is unaware of something OR chooses to subjectively ignore information.

It was a fiesta night for sexual minorities. I just arrived home with Lucia. your post made me worried. I know you can't talk about it. tell me whenever you feel I can be a help or an ear to listen.

you will suffer living as Vicky.you will suffer living as Cristina(?)

we almost broke up.. can't talk about it right now.. choosing to be vicky or cristina...

"Vicky returned home to have her grand wedding to Doug. To the house they finally planned to settle in. And to lead the life she envisioned for herself, before that summer in Barcelona. Cristina continued searching... certain only, of what she didn't want. "

MJ:: You, Michael Jackson and Madar Je..de

Fereshteh Ghaazi is a reporter and the twitter of IRANBAAN.

She just wrote:

iranbaan: امشب شب بسیار حساس و وحشتناکی هست شاید تاریخ آینده ایران همین امشب رقم بخورد خیلی می ترسم خیلی

iranbaan: دلم میخواد فریاد بزنم اما تا شب باید سکوت کنم این چند روز مثل رازی در دلم تلنبار شده و شاید امشب این راز تاریخ ایران رو رقم بزنه

I've been following her twitts since the election and it has always been true. I'm so scared right now...

Well of course I am an atheist, but I really like this one, actually I've put it as my wallpaper. It's a work my Bozorgmehr Hosseinpour.

that terrible place?

The sister of one of my friends goes to Farzanegan now. I heard from his brother that she wanted to change.
when she heard I had studied there, she said she was sorry for me, cause it was a terrible place.

I´m not sorry for ourselves. I´m honestly satisfied with my own self after farzanegan, even if my life is aimless, and I´m definitely lost, and I can´t decide what I want, and I´m not serious with anything I do, I still think farzanegan was one of the few fortunate events of my life, otherwise highschool time could be just as wasted as the rest of my life.

It may not be as good for those who have more opportunities, who are more confident than I at the time, who do not have a wasted life as I had. It was after all an identity for a lost individual.

یه سری عکس دیدم بعد یادم افتاد که منم عکس می گرفتم یه زمانی! عکس هامو دیدم کلی دور دور بودم ازشون. اون انرژیه، اون خوش حالیه نمی دونم اصلاَ کجا هست...، یه جوری که حتی یادم نمیاد اون موقع که بوده چه جوری بوده.
بعد یاد فیس بوک افتادم...4 ماه پیش.. اون موقع که به این "فکر می کردم" که بزنم این ا ریلیشن شیپ یا نه! اون موقع که "موضوع" بحث مثلاَ دوستی من و علی بود! آدم چقد باید ذهنش راحت باشه که سوژه اینا باشن نه؟
خسته ام.. پایان نامه می نویسم. دلم می خواد برم بالای کوه و چند ساعت بی حرف همون جا باشم. دلم آرامش می خواد

You would love that... With Lucia we weent to visit the exhibition of Annie Leibovitz...there were personal photos of Susan Sontag as well as lots of my favourites like the Lennon and Yoko Ono on rollingstones, lots of war stories, massacre in rwanda and war in bosnia.

The best thing is definitely Susan's. I adore Sontag since highschool when I first read from her in 7 (that intellectual magazine back in the days...) well, perfect couple, and they were together since 1989 till Susan's death. they travelled in war bttles and Venice,Parice, Japan and everywhere together...I was sure Susan had a female lover...

well well, it was perfect.

farda tavallode Nimast.
surprise beshe!
mehrnoosh o ali o amir o doost dokhtaresh o lida o doost pesaresh o mona o mehdi.
che hame (gheire Ali khob!!)couple shodan!!! khube man nistam:))

bayad kaso bekharam befrestam. garche dir mirese...vali bazam adam az yedune khaharzanesh kado begire khube dge!!!:p

disturbing situation in Iran
train crash in Madrid
train derail in Viareggio, Italy, where I know lots of friends
Flight Crash in Indian Ocean
Earthquake in Judi´s hometown in China
...

what´s the next???Isn´t the world abit fucked up???

Didn't go to school today. I have 2-3 more days to spend in the clinic and one exam and of course the thesis. Thought to stay home and work a bit on it.

Had an email from my school and looks like they could get me a sooner appointment with embassy which is in 3 weeks! I would definitely die in this upcoming 3 weeks! I have sooooo much to do and I'm under too much stress..., hih.

everyday stuff

How was the exam???:** we were partying last night till 6 in the morning. It was the annual fiestas of TresCantos, the village we live in. There were also machine games like shahrebazi, everyone made fun of me, cause while they were dancing and listening to music, I went for the Shahrebazi...Is Tehran's shahrebazi still working?? I miss it.

The main shahrebazi in Madrid is a huge thing, with several different big trains and machines. I want to go there with my sister when she comes.

We have an adorable girl in the company, who is one of my best friends there. Her name is Lucia. she is not crazy like me and you, but has a really interesting personality.you would like her too much.

I suddenly missed you so much.
Now that I think, I don't remember what made us become so close...We owe it to 360 probably. anything it was, I'm just so happy that you're around and I can talk to you.

kisses

One good news!
I don't know if you were informed or not, but Ali Rouz was missing for some days. I don't remember exactly when was it, but I suppose it was about a week ago. No one knew were he was and I was very worried for him, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I spoke with him about half an hour ago. He is safe and feels goood:) I feel totally relieved. He said he'd be back to Tehran probably this week.

I have an exam for tomorrow. 2more exams and then my chances get high to be able to defend my thesis ASAP. I hope to defend it by the end of Tir, which means in 3weeks, but frankly I am not very hopeful. I haven't wrote much of it yet and I have some official problems with uni, but I should try my best. My future school, LMU, are showing supports because of Iran's situation and I think they would understand and give me more time to sned them my documents.

I think Joan Baez is such a beautiful woman.

I did Self Harm again during these disturbing last weeks. I promised myself to stop for one month . I should write it on a paper and stick it on the wall to remind myself. I waxed my face.
Someone said a good point: that people here live in the city...in the public places. what we lose day by day in Iran. You see lots of fiestas, people in the park every weekend, people in the libraries, lots of guides for the monthly events... they don't stick to their houses. You can see their presence in the city life.

I kind of forget how is it to be truely loved...I mean, physically.
And...Nima and Mehrnoosh wanna come to the graduation ceremony and then we'll go back together, back to Iran...Where lots of changes wait for me...and you won't be there when I go.

Our trip!
You were missed of course:*
We thought we should get of this town and BREATH.

I need you, girl:( I need you. come back soon.

دختر كوچولوي صاحبخانه از اقاي "كي " پرسيد:

اگر كوسه ها ادم بودند با ماهي هاي كوچولو مهربانتر ميشدند؟

اقاي كي گفت:البته !اگر كوسه ها ادم بود ند

توي دريا براي ماهي هاجعبه هاي محكمي ميساختند

همه جور خوراكي توي ان ميگذاشتند

مواظب بود ند كه هميشه پر اب باشد

هواي بهداشت ماهي هاي كوچولو را هم داشتند

براي انكه هيچوقت دل ماهي كوچولو نگيرد

گاهگاه مهماني هاي بزگ بر پا ميكردند

چون كه

گوشت ماهي شاد از ماهي دلگير لذيذتر است

براي ماهي ها مدرسه ميساختند

وبه انها ياد ميدادند

كه چه جوري به طرف دهان كوسه شنا كنند

درس اصلي ماهيها اخلاق بود

به انها مي قبولاند ند

كه زيبا ترين و باشكوه ترين كار براي يك ماهي اين است

كه خودش را در نهايت خوشوقتي تقد يم يك كوسه كند

به ماهي كوچولو ياد ميداد ند كه چطور به كوسه ها معتقد باشند

وچه جوري خود را براي يك اينده زيبا مهيا كنند

اينده يي كه فقط از راه اطاعت به دست مياييد

اگر كوسه ها ادم بودند

در قلمروشا ن البته هنر هم وجود داشت

از دندان كوسه تصاوير زيبا ورنگارنگي مي كشيدند

ته دريا نمايشنامه ييروي صحنه مياوردند كه در ان ماهي كوچولو هاي قهرمان

شاد وشنگول به دهان كوسه ها شير جه ميرفتند

همراه نمايش اهنگهاي محسور كننده يي هم مينواختند كه بي اختيار

ماهيهاي كوچولو را به طرف دهان كوسه ها ميكشاند

در انجا بي ترديد مذهبي هم وجود داشت

كه به ماهيها مي ا موخت

"زندگي واقعي در شكم كوسه ها اغاز ميشود"

65 posts since we started.
I'm devastated, you're too. I cried and I know you did too. I don't know where this ends.
Should I go to my supervisor and say: hey, I'm gonna go back home to stand with my friends against the dictator? they may arrest me, they may kill me... remember what they did in 67. They just killed whoever they arrested. But that doesn't matter anymore. we started the way. we should continue, even if it takes several years...we have jumped into it now.

I cried hard. the next one can be you, my sister, my mom, Ali, Rouzbehan,... the next one can be any of us. once while jogging with mom in the park she said sth: you're not ready to see the death, to die for what you do...now we should be ready. we should no forget what happened these days.

Life will be more difficult now, they don't need to hide their ugly faces now. we are used to hard times, remembering that we were born in the war...but this will be more difficult, and we should stay humans. we should control ourselves while fighting with them, we should not become like them, dehumanized brutal bastards.we should keep the ideals and struggle for liberty.

I love you, good that we are alive and we still love.

I think I've lost my phonebook. write your phone for me. gonna call you tomorrow or saturday.

just talked with Nimayi. We flirted and again insisted no brther and sister in law are that lovely and unique and everything. Told him to hit Ali in the balls. friends gathering in their house and Iwanted to be there.

Love keeps us strong.the only thing left for us. Love you

:(

honey I´m so tired I think I will die tonight. I should work till 9 here and then go home and work till 2-3. will be in teh office at 7:30 tomorrow and leave at 11 to Madrid to help for the demo.

have lots of work to do. financial situation is crap and I know baba can´t help me. no hope for future and abit depressed. sleep 4 hours maximum each night. did Self Injury yesterday again and my arms are like I was in a knife battle.

I miss u. and I love you. I love Ali too, tell him and tell him I miss him and I just hope we go for dinner together again and smoke a cigarette together again and be abit happy again.

If you see Rouzbehan one of these days kiss him on cheek for me. Don´t tell him it is from me. tell him to take care

Suddenly I get a flash of me & Ali laughing from the bottom of our hearts, dancing like crazies... those pictures seem so far now...

Sorry honey that I didn't post anything yesterday. I was with Ali. We went to ValiAsr St. in the afternoon and everything went great there. It's great to see how people participate in the most active way you could imagine.

Today would be another Demo at 7eTir and there is another news for Azadi St. too. I don't think I can go cause I'm in my period and I might faint! Too much stress these days... .

What's going on with you?:* Everything's fine?

where are you??:(

where are you??:(

I´m amazed at how hekmatists can be that outdated... in this situation they still say what they said a month ago. no new reaction to what´s happening.

not wise, not wise

امروز دانشگاه بودم. داخل دانشگاه تجمع و راهپیمایی بود در اعتراض به انتخابات و فاجعه ی دیشب تو کوی. رهنورد هم بود در فاصله ی چند متری. گفت امروز نیایم می زنن! بچه ها اعتراض کردن که ما شجاعت می خوایم، گفت دیدین دیشب چه جور زدن؟؟ امروز بدتره. ما دنبال راهکارای دیگه ایم.
چیزی از رهبری نگفت. به نظر هم نمیومد نظرش راجعبه راهپیمایی عوض شه.
فکر می کنم سایت قلم هک شده. چون زنگ زدم به دوستم و گفت از طرف موسوی انجمن اسلامی باز گفت نیاین می خوان بزنن و منم نیستم.
رهبری هم احتمالاً چرته.

what is this? did Mousavi meet fuckin supreme leader?? did he accept he´d lost??

khafe shodam enghad az sob sigar keshidam.

so... i have an exam tomorrow and as u can tell i haven't studied a word!
they're bad news from the uni dorm... .
we went out today, ali & i. then he came over so we could hug. hard times we're all having, all of us. so at last we could cry a little bit together.
he told me he might get arrested. i'm worried of course but i'm trying to convince myself that's the life he likes. the other thing is that he might leave for south africa in 10days. makes me feel so fuckin alone.
i think we would all be at azadi tomorrow.
i'm more hopeful tonight than last night and that's a good sign. ppl are alert and are making moves.

I think of a political fast. do you think we can use it to press them?? If we are alot and inform all the human right groups....??? we should resist, we can´t go back to underground life

tell me something sothat I know what is going on with you these hours. tell me something

write sth. I´m worried...shit

I believe voting contributed more to show the nature of this regime. If we hadn´t we would have never seen what we saw yesterday.

I know we are all desperate, but I think it can be a good start. It´s about time to lose all hope. It´s about time to accept there is no CHOICE here. We are forced to change them. We have no other way now.
I don´t have FB even in the public library. shit. you should tell me what the fuck is going on there.

we´re alive. breathe

ساعت 6 صبح است. بیدار شدم کارهای پایان نامه رو بکنم، این چند روز دائم عقب انداختم. مبایل ها وصل شدن ولی مثنکه اس ام اس هنوز قطعه. بچه ها یه لینک زدن که امروز همه جای ایران ساعت 5 جمع شیم و اعتراض کنیم. جلوی سفارت ها هم برنامه هست. حاتمی، میردامادی، رمضان زاده و کلی آدم دستگیر شدن. چی داره سرمون میاد؟

کودتای 22 خرداد تمام شده است.
باید برای چند ثانیه هم شده پلکهامو ببندم.
بی خوابی، اضطراب، ترس، ناامیدی، غصه، بغض، تنهایی، گریه... روزهای سخت.
شب بخیر

around 7, I was wet. could feel the flow of bloody liquid between my legs. woke up and took shower.
no internet. don´t know where the embajado is. no credit on phone, can´t ask assal. took my computer and took the train to Madrid. charged my phone credit. No answer: Assal, Babak, home. battery finished, public phone doesn´t work. lost two Euro on it. buy a nail polisha and eye pencil from Deborah. starbucks to use Wifi... no battery in computer. back to university and use the net.
miss you.
should tell you all about UN. It was a good trip, lots of stories. wish you were here.
will you be happier tomorrow?

It is probably PMS... the house with no electricity, no internet, and no yahoo mail now!! error code 15 when i have 50 new mails.
and no internet when I have 4 day off. I gonna die. I gonna kill myself. can´t stand this anymore. should talk with my landlord and threaten him:(( hate this life, hate it, hate it, hate it.

mordam az negaraani! kojaaii to?!!
:*

honey i'm so sorry that i don't write here much. we're so busy with the election...
:*

you didn't write.... and I don't say how bad I am. WTF should he think I'm just looking for a boyfriend????????????stupid people.

He had the voice of the one I would always love...not my fault...I wish you get it.:( don't wanna be in Vienna anymore.

I could see myself, doing the work for tomorrow, email it, eat all the Alprazolams and sleep forever. I do

When I wish you were here

I shouldn't say that...I hate myself, I do.

Have you ever wished you had a completely differnt life?that you looked and lived compltely different? wish you were here

I shouldn't say that, but I tell you, I confess I hate the girl I am. wish you were here

She is sad, with that desperate ugly life and noone knows that. They think I'm funny.noone has ever known how sad I have been all my life.wish you were here

and yes, she thinks about putting an end. wish you were here

I brought Alprazolam with me to Vienna. I hate her. wish you were here

the most hate able thing is when u decide not to go out and study; and u don't go out and don't study and get bored. Ali told me that he's gonna be at valiasr st. today with karroubi guys and i can join. but i didn't and thought i would work on my thesis. instead i played facebook's poker and lost a lot and didn't read a word about what i should do tomorrow for my lab experiment. it's already upsetting that i wasted the whole day, but gets worse when i call him every hour and he's so happy and having fun and dancing in the street and says how he wishes i was there.

so.. it's a funny complicated thing, my friendship with ali, niusha & hesam.
hesam's been my friend for 5years. niusha is a new but close one.
ali gets very upset when he's around hesam. and today niusha told me that hesam doesn't like to be around him too. and i should confess i sometimes feel jealous!:P and i think we all feel that way!!
anyway.., we were planning to see tomorrow night's debate btw karroubi & ahmadinejad together with mahsa, but that won't be possible. so i decided to tell ali to come instead of those two. i should call mahsa and may be rouzbehan to see if they wanna join or not.

i'm so dep. my cell phone's bill is here and i'm shocked! 174k toman!! geee! i know it's mostly bcz of the roaming fees i had in my trip, but it couldn't have been THAT much! and this is the second bill for that trip...
i'm totally bankrupted:( mom was gonna give 200k for the bill and some shopping; now the shopping is all gone and i have no manto!!
and i spend my monthly money for dinners that we're mostly out...
upset

It was what I fancied

He would never come back... Austrian blue-eyed gentleman, whose name I would never know...can I help you madam?

It was the moment when I should say: I love your eyes Mr stranger. But he would never come back.

It was just near the most famous Opera hall..."the world's most famous", he said and his eyes were shining. He would never come back. and I would fall for him if he came.

"Thank you" and I left to right and they turned left. it was half a minute later, whn we both turnd and smiled.

He would never come back...we would never live in the world of our fancies.

suddenly I went mad... Rouzbehan had sent me a messag after a long time: vote.
Well, I hate that he sends message just to advise me to vote, I prefer not to hear from him if it's gonna be like this.


There is a sick guy on the sofa.... poooof. I want some adam hesabie adorable.

THIS MR PRESIDENT IS KIND OF PORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!! He is sange paye ghazvin

German sounds strange, people look far away... and I feel lonely.
loneliness is when you go somewhere, and you do not need to tell anyone you have arrived or the flight was good or not.

I will wake up in the morning, take shower and drink a coffee, and go walk in the streets and breathe the Austrian air.

take care, and tell it to Ali too.

MOUSAVI-AHMADINEJAD debate
a night in our life to remember

be ali migam az inaas ke 20-30 saal dige bachehaamoon mikhoonan kaf mikonan migan vaaghan didin ino shomaa?!
ali injaa bood, alan biroone, saa'ate 2 e shabe, biroon shoooolooooogh shode, ye kam negaranesham, vali khob, khodesh aaghele:)
kolliam baghal kardim khoob shodam:)

i'm very sag today!:P

i get very depressed when boyfriend doesn't call me and i feel like i've made all the calls recently. then i get so sensitive on this and if he does it again makes me go very mad. so today i had this problem with ali too. i got angry on him for not caring enough to call me even not after i mention that it makes me sad & angry. he didn't like the talk and told me he doesn't like to feel like he has to call and i told him i don't like to feel like i'm always calling too and bla bla bla. then i slept and woke with his msg telling me that i can join him in mellat park to see tonight's discussion between mousavi & ahmadinejad and i said i don't like to. anyway later i called and told him that he can come over and he agreed. so we're gonna watching that tonight together probably with my mom & dad.

i shouldn't be so sag & gir i guess.... am i?:P i hope we go great again today.. .

Have you read that Iranian Officials are invited to the US Independance Day Ceremonies around the world???
Let´s see if the next government has a new strategy for US-Iran relations.

I bought a new Garnier shampoo, and a hair mask with vitamin B. to tell the truth, I did SI again last night, I put snail cream on it after and also polished my nail again, pink, cause I lost my dark blue and I couldn´t find a good dark one yesterday. I like to get a nice purple or green next time, maybe in Duty Free I find a good one.

then I decided to go with a suitcase rather than my backpack, cause I have stupid formal suite that I will need to iron if I put it in a backpack, and I do not have a travelling iron. I don´t like suitcase but it´s ok this time.let´s hope the flight is not full, then I won´t need to check it in and will save some money for buying chocolate:d

abit nervous, should put the rent on the table before I leave. and should think of saving some money instead of shopping and going to Ballets and Operas. well, I never really learn how to save. I think money is for spending not for keeping. It´s not the way the world works though (that´s why my father went bankrupt twice and loste everything)
dont know which one to take for this week: Henry James book, or Joyce´s Ulysses...

rush!

in rush:
I am going home, well, first to buy some hair care stuff and kesh o gheireye khoshgel to make it feel better.

I go to Vienna tomorrow, so I will be out of access abit until I check the hostel´s internet. Take care!!!

my head is still painful so I probably wait for the pain to stop and then do something funky.

Daniel says I´m guappisimo(very beautiful) today to make me feel better. miss you so much and love you:*

i'm sorry that i have no special news to tell!:P :D
can't believe how much i worked today! i was in the clinic for my university internship. then i went to the lab for my thesis. i love my mice!:D they're so healthy and sheitoon!:D then i went to INRP, it's a research center near the uni that my friends and i meet, it's our very own place!:D i met amirhosien there and we talked from everywhere. he's been the closest for some years now, always the one to relay on, the one who cares:) then i went for my "summer" internship. busy busy day!

i can't wait for tomorrow to finish! then i'm gonna have 2 whole days to rest and spend with ali:D

I know, I know it is a shame... but I ´m just checking everyone´s hair as they pass...and remember the morning when Michael told me: Girls are lucky if they have half of your hair


:((((( I´m just so obsessed with this. can´t do anythingmy sculp is still painful and you´re probably still in the street:(

Cookipedia

Cool!!! well if you like cooking and baking and eating ....

Have you noticed how my life is shaped by the memories?and I just noticed Ihave a graphical memory, good for decribing, good for writing...

I rememberred the pain I felt when someone stole my sun glasses that dad had brought from England, and I cried for 8 hours constantly while mom was hugging me, I felt less pain the day after and it went away after a week. That´s what I need, I need to cry non-stop to accept the situation, otherwise it would stay in me, like an undetangled knot, and I should carry the pain with me all the time

I think that´s what happened with that relationship, there was noone to hug me when I wanted to cry the pain out. That´s why I still carry the pain...

btw, I have not had anything more beautifull than that sunglasses, they were spectacular, and bought with love when we still had a pretty good life together.

Nimayi, lovely Nimayi

Nima called me... and I think noone has emotional feelings toward a brother in law as much as I have. My biggest wish now is Mehrnoosh and Nima have teh happiest life possible together. I know it´s abit stupid for someone with my believes... anyways, I think it´s really good that he is around my sis, and I think they are one of the few people who always care about me, and I´m always worried of losing them.

By the way, watch Ken Robinson´s talk, it was really really good
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

Notes from the ugly Chipa

called mom, in the meeting and she did not get how imoprtant was it for me. went to the toilet, cried and still can´t believe it has happened.
I remeberred father when he cut his hair for chemotherapy, and I cried again. He was sad, and I should learn it happens.
I know how this is my inertia against change. I want to keep things as they were two years ago. It looks a simple hair dresser mistake and it will be back soon, but It doesn´t happen that simple in my mind. Everyone laughs at me when I take it so seriously...but I know why I react this way. I need something in my life remain and don´t change, I want to stop feeling a loss. and that uckin hairdresser ruined all my hope to get back to life.

nothing is as simple as it looks.

:(:(

funny that disposable spare is the first priority in the morning.... I should tell you that I almost lost my hair. And I honestly cried the whole time. I went to cut the ends as it was almost a year and my long hair needs regular care. The hairdresser started brushing it, well, every one knows that you don´t brush a long wet curly hair, and not from the top. You should use a wooden comb to do that and you have to spend half an hour atleast. and she broke almost half of my hair. I was just shocked, and as I didn´t have my glasses on, I couldn´t see wtf she was doing. She probably wanted to finish in 20 minutes... now I understand how good was Maorizio in Italy although I paid 50 euros for that hair cut.
The final result is horrible, and I have to be careful to have them grow again, vitamins and hair repair liquids stuff. Probably it was the only thing I liked in my whole body. Michael loved to comb it every morning...:(and my head is still painful because of her violent brushing

I feel really really bad, I feel ugly and I miss my hair and I hate that hairdresser. I almost like to go and kill her or cut all her hair. look, I started crying again.:(

well it's near 1 a.m. and i should get to bed soon and wake up in less than 5h!
i'm so so tired. i have lack of sleep in the last 48h which i'm very sensitive to.
but oh i had a great day! i called ali in the afternoon and he told me that i can join him in valiasr sq. to talk to ppl on election stuffs. and of course i did and well that was all fun. i feel much more active with him. he's just full of life and passion and hope. for the first time, i have a close friend far more energetic than myself and i lo ve it. i love all his moves, the way he talks and oh the way he laughs!
hihi!:D
i really hate that we won't have much time together. i really wish there was a good choice here. anyway.

i wish i was there to hug u dearest>:D< i really wish i could do it. i read the notes and i felt how you need someone around. wish you could take a trip to here again. wish we were all together... boos:*

I tell everyone: I want to go home after graduation.
Do I lie? What is my desire?

And I know my father hates my decision. And I know Self Portraitist will be in Europe when I leave, and I know I will have more freedom here. And I know I will argue with my mother everyday. And I know I will not work in the position I like, and I will lose some chances.

But:

- I do not like the idea of staying here in any case. There are standards for my life.

- I have been depressed more than all my life in the last two years

- I have lost my physical health rapidly and increasingly

- I missed the joy of playing with my cousin, discussing with my sister, and hugging my father

- I have been alone, I failed to maintain an emotional relationship.

- I have not studied as good as I wanted. My academic accomplishments were negative.

- I feel I wasted two years of my life which could be much better if I rejected this admission, stayed one year more in Iran, kept my relationship with my lover, worked to have more experience and applied again.

- I don´t want to be my uncle, who didn´t come to Iran for Grandma´s funeral.

- I remember my father´s cancer, Grandpa´s heart attack and Grandma´s death.

- I love my brother in law.

I am not sure if I have decided much better this time. I am not sure why the life can´t be simpler than this. Why you and Ali and I and everyone else can´t live a better life together.

Is this a failure? You think I will be desperate after comin back and staying in Iran again?

P.S: I cried the whole day when I saw the news about the bomb on the plane, and I am so worried that Nima goes to Ahvaz every two weeks with the fuckin plane.

to you...

stay young dearest, stay young...

:(

Still shaking from that night,

my mind ...

the crack grows forever...in the fading citylight

....

never forget: I orderred myself

I should admit: I do self harm/self injury.

I cut my both arms everyday when Rouzbehan was arrested. Funny that he never understood how that affected my life, and funny that in resopnse, he just left me behind.

He is right, I can never forgive him. But each scar on my arm reminds me of how much in love I was once.

P.S: It´s kind of like Edward Scissorhands with all that scars...and good to know Depp also had a SI problem. Doesn´t it feel better to know your fav. actor is crazy in the same way?

A Saturday Night Tale.

I was sitting there, in one of those huge train stations, waiting for a train that never came. It was a crowded Saturday night, and people were rushing to catch the last trains back home, with alcohol keeping them red faced and happy while the children nagging and crying.

Police, with shining green uniforms, was waiting for the football fans. The train from the stadium arrived with a noise, and screams of excited drunk fans kicking eachother. A woman with cleaning staff uniform was constantly and excitedly looking at the rush of police forces, with their horrifying dogs, at the drunk fans. I walked to the schedule board nervously, checking to find out if there would be a train to Colmenar.

hmm..., no train. Thinking what to do and I could see in the distance the police forces were following three of them out of the platforms. and the dogs barking sound filled everywhere. Ignore the fucking horrible sound, I told myself.

I thought I would go and call a friend to stay the night in Madrid. I could still hear screams from the main building. The cleaning woman went in the train and we said Adios with a facial gesture.I left afterward.

Then it was the scene, the young boy lying on the ground unconscious, three dogs rounding him and barking...police keeping the audience away and other two didn´t know what to do, shocked and just shocked, they were aimlessly running around, crying, shouting at the frozen faces of the police, and hitting their head to the ticket office wall. And crying, and crying, and crying. The body was still there, still and motionless.

Frozen, as if they killed an ant...Frozen, but I could hear how we, all participants on the stage, were cracked.

REZA WAR+PEACE: A Photographer´s Journey

Can´t describe the feeling this collection gave me, but just incredible...each photo is a unique experience he shares with us.

btw did u see the news about finding Luxemburg's body after 90 years?

I spend my times in bed: lying faced to it. I think it gives a kinda "hug" feeling when you can feel something rub your body.., even if it's bed!

Nothing new for today. I decided to stay home and write my thesis. I should get an appointment from the embassy but just don't feel like doing it!
I keep wasting time.., that familiar inertia.

When I hear the news of you

Saturday morning, alone in GMV... WTF I was thinking??? WTF is my world going to?

We never thought we would stay together. And I never thought they all get married and go... they move on...What happened between 18 and 23?unforgivable sins.

Oftim be sandoughe adam yek yek baz...
This is dedicated to Maryam T...

And then the time pass
The wind washes your memories, and all that last.

Wild gooses fly away...and never again pass

And the tale ends at last.

I'm thinking of different possible choices:

- Both of us stay in Iran & marry.
- Both of us stay in Iran & apply next year for the same city.
- Marry & ask him to decline his admission and come to Germany and then we'd think of future.
- Marry & I'd decline my admission and go to Hungary with him and then we'd think of future.
- Get engaged and go to our separate countries and hope that this would work.
- Be friends and go to our separate countries and hope that this would work.
- Well.., nice to know u, babye!

Yet, NONE of them seems right. None of them is the best choice. And again I remember "We're always making a choice.".

I was sitting there..hiding my ¨self¨

Was there that sad expression on my eyes? or it could have been my lips, pressed together not to be openned again? to hear the silence...do people feel how me smiling lips are hiding the tension of the body?

I need you to fill the holes, self portraitist. Why in the other devil´s name you´re not around?

So once again, I'm getting close to another "end" I suppose. I used to think the hurt would decrease as I grow up, but now seeing that this time everything's great and yet there's nothing I can do to keep it makes me feel paralyzed.

I close my eyes to comfort myself: You're only 24, your life's just beginning, and you have lots of adventures ahead. But well.., what if I'm over with the enthusiasm of having adventures in my life? What if whatever I imagine, I answer myself with "eh, been there, done that!". I don't want no more new romantic/ sexual adventures. I wanna keep what I have, I wanna hold it close and never ever let it go!! Yes very childish, hmm? I guess that's me in love!

Yes I knew it would end soon from the very first beginning. I hate the way this phrase has become the routine of my life; knowing that nothing would last and seeing the end before it starts.

It's just not "fair". Hih like there is anything "fair" in this fuckin life...!

I told him that I wanna say something "khaz". And then began with some stupid sentences like "I want this to last", "I don't want this to end", "What shall we do?", "What would happen?". It's actually funny! I think we use these phrases "a lot" in life, and yet every time we think "this time i really mean it!".

Of course the answer was clear; I should be rational. And well, we all know what that means.

I feel paralyzed.

10 things you didn´t know about orgasm

http://www.ted.com/talks/mary_roach_10_things_you_didn_t_know_about_orgasm.html

I didn´t know all but I knew some. great anyways

She loves photography, I love words. She portraits the self, I describe the flow of emotions in the air.



¨When one reads these strange pages of one long gone one feels that one is at one with one who once ....¨ Ulysses, Joyce

sudden rush of unsatisfaction

Office here is definitely exploiting me. But I can´t help myself: I enjoy what I do. I enjoy working long hours, and I will be so sad when I finish my inetrnship.

I´m getting used to chatting with Andrea about literature while writing fortron codes. I enjoy coffee breaks and lunch time jokes. I enjoy Andrea, the blue eye guy who blinks instead of saying Hi in the cafe´..., and Felipe who resembles David, and Angel who laughs at me when I come to the office drunk. I enjoy talking with Lucia, when she would never guess know how I could love her.

When you´re sure the good parts will leave you behind, the only way is to hope new ones come.

A glimpse of U!

Made by:
Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/)
Mosaic Maker (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2009/may/27/tracey-emin-sex-london-exhibition

"Oh Christ I just wanted you to fuck me and then I became greedy, I wanted you to love me."

And I wanted to f.u.c.k you.

It´s a long time that I do not feel nervous saying the words...showing the desire...

bitchy

I feel verrrryyyy bitchy! I just wanna shout in the face of all my past partners' girlfriends who feel so happy and loved "Hey! We slept while you were daydreaming your white wedding!!" lol.
Haha! It must have something to do with sadism, but seriously in my mind, I think of it as a way to "show the truth" to ppl.., or shall we say SHOUT the truth in their stupid faces?