So once again, I'm getting close to another "end" I suppose. I used to think the hurt would decrease as I grow up, but now seeing that this time everything's great and yet there's nothing I can do to keep it makes me feel paralyzed.
I close my eyes to comfort myself: You're only 24, your life's just beginning, and you have lots of adventures ahead. But well.., what if I'm over with the enthusiasm of having adventures in my life? What if whatever I imagine, I answer myself with "eh, been there, done that!". I don't want no more new romantic/ sexual adventures. I wanna keep what I have, I wanna hold it close and never ever let it go!! Yes very childish, hmm? I guess that's me in love!
Yes I knew it would end soon from the very first beginning. I hate the way this phrase has become the routine of my life; knowing that nothing would last and seeing the end before it starts.
It's just not "fair". Hih like there is anything "fair" in this fuckin life...!
I told him that I wanna say something "khaz". And then began with some stupid sentences like "I want this to last", "I don't want this to end", "What shall we do?", "What would happen?". It's actually funny! I think we use these phrases "a lot" in life, and yet every time we think "this time i really mean it!".
Of course the answer was clear; I should be rational. And well, we all know what that means.
I feel paralyzed.
as if all the time you´re expecting the end, and you are so desperately waiting for it.
ReplyDeleteI rememberred when I was leaving two years ago... and I knew how everything would be over when the flight comes, and yet I couldn´t do anything, and last times, I could not even enjoy sleeping close to him, kissing him, touching him. every little enjoyment was flying away ...
and how much I hated the sentence in the last letter I received: you wouldn´t go if you really felt life here would be better.
and it´s such a funny feeling when I am so proud of myself for being rational.