I tell everyone: I want to go home after graduation.
Do I lie? What is my desire?

And I know my father hates my decision. And I know Self Portraitist will be in Europe when I leave, and I know I will have more freedom here. And I know I will argue with my mother everyday. And I know I will not work in the position I like, and I will lose some chances.

But:

- I do not like the idea of staying here in any case. There are standards for my life.

- I have been depressed more than all my life in the last two years

- I have lost my physical health rapidly and increasingly

- I missed the joy of playing with my cousin, discussing with my sister, and hugging my father

- I have been alone, I failed to maintain an emotional relationship.

- I have not studied as good as I wanted. My academic accomplishments were negative.

- I feel I wasted two years of my life which could be much better if I rejected this admission, stayed one year more in Iran, kept my relationship with my lover, worked to have more experience and applied again.

- I don´t want to be my uncle, who didn´t come to Iran for Grandma´s funeral.

- I remember my father´s cancer, Grandpa´s heart attack and Grandma´s death.

- I love my brother in law.

I am not sure if I have decided much better this time. I am not sure why the life can´t be simpler than this. Why you and Ali and I and everyone else can´t live a better life together.

Is this a failure? You think I will be desperate after comin back and staying in Iran again?

P.S: I cried the whole day when I saw the news about the bomb on the plane, and I am so worried that Nima goes to Ahvaz every two weeks with the fuckin plane.