disturbing situation in Iran
train crash in Madrid
train derail in Viareggio, Italy, where I know lots of friends
Flight Crash in Indian Ocean
Earthquake in Judi´s hometown in China
...

what´s the next???Isn´t the world abit fucked up???

Didn't go to school today. I have 2-3 more days to spend in the clinic and one exam and of course the thesis. Thought to stay home and work a bit on it.

Had an email from my school and looks like they could get me a sooner appointment with embassy which is in 3 weeks! I would definitely die in this upcoming 3 weeks! I have sooooo much to do and I'm under too much stress..., hih.

everyday stuff

How was the exam???:** we were partying last night till 6 in the morning. It was the annual fiestas of TresCantos, the village we live in. There were also machine games like shahrebazi, everyone made fun of me, cause while they were dancing and listening to music, I went for the Shahrebazi...Is Tehran's shahrebazi still working?? I miss it.

The main shahrebazi in Madrid is a huge thing, with several different big trains and machines. I want to go there with my sister when she comes.

We have an adorable girl in the company, who is one of my best friends there. Her name is Lucia. she is not crazy like me and you, but has a really interesting personality.you would like her too much.

I suddenly missed you so much.
Now that I think, I don't remember what made us become so close...We owe it to 360 probably. anything it was, I'm just so happy that you're around and I can talk to you.

kisses

One good news!
I don't know if you were informed or not, but Ali Rouz was missing for some days. I don't remember exactly when was it, but I suppose it was about a week ago. No one knew were he was and I was very worried for him, I couldn't stop thinking about him.
I spoke with him about half an hour ago. He is safe and feels goood:) I feel totally relieved. He said he'd be back to Tehran probably this week.

I have an exam for tomorrow. 2more exams and then my chances get high to be able to defend my thesis ASAP. I hope to defend it by the end of Tir, which means in 3weeks, but frankly I am not very hopeful. I haven't wrote much of it yet and I have some official problems with uni, but I should try my best. My future school, LMU, are showing supports because of Iran's situation and I think they would understand and give me more time to sned them my documents.

I think Joan Baez is such a beautiful woman.

I did Self Harm again during these disturbing last weeks. I promised myself to stop for one month . I should write it on a paper and stick it on the wall to remind myself. I waxed my face.
Someone said a good point: that people here live in the city...in the public places. what we lose day by day in Iran. You see lots of fiestas, people in the park every weekend, people in the libraries, lots of guides for the monthly events... they don't stick to their houses. You can see their presence in the city life.

I kind of forget how is it to be truely loved...I mean, physically.
And...Nima and Mehrnoosh wanna come to the graduation ceremony and then we'll go back together, back to Iran...Where lots of changes wait for me...and you won't be there when I go.

Our trip!
You were missed of course:*
We thought we should get of this town and BREATH.

I need you, girl:( I need you. come back soon.

دختر كوچولوي صاحبخانه از اقاي "كي " پرسيد:

اگر كوسه ها ادم بودند با ماهي هاي كوچولو مهربانتر ميشدند؟

اقاي كي گفت:البته !اگر كوسه ها ادم بود ند

توي دريا براي ماهي هاجعبه هاي محكمي ميساختند

همه جور خوراكي توي ان ميگذاشتند

مواظب بود ند كه هميشه پر اب باشد

هواي بهداشت ماهي هاي كوچولو را هم داشتند

براي انكه هيچوقت دل ماهي كوچولو نگيرد

گاهگاه مهماني هاي بزگ بر پا ميكردند

چون كه

گوشت ماهي شاد از ماهي دلگير لذيذتر است

براي ماهي ها مدرسه ميساختند

وبه انها ياد ميدادند

كه چه جوري به طرف دهان كوسه شنا كنند

درس اصلي ماهيها اخلاق بود

به انها مي قبولاند ند

كه زيبا ترين و باشكوه ترين كار براي يك ماهي اين است

كه خودش را در نهايت خوشوقتي تقد يم يك كوسه كند

به ماهي كوچولو ياد ميداد ند كه چطور به كوسه ها معتقد باشند

وچه جوري خود را براي يك اينده زيبا مهيا كنند

اينده يي كه فقط از راه اطاعت به دست مياييد

اگر كوسه ها ادم بودند

در قلمروشا ن البته هنر هم وجود داشت

از دندان كوسه تصاوير زيبا ورنگارنگي مي كشيدند

ته دريا نمايشنامه ييروي صحنه مياوردند كه در ان ماهي كوچولو هاي قهرمان

شاد وشنگول به دهان كوسه ها شير جه ميرفتند

همراه نمايش اهنگهاي محسور كننده يي هم مينواختند كه بي اختيار

ماهيهاي كوچولو را به طرف دهان كوسه ها ميكشاند

در انجا بي ترديد مذهبي هم وجود داشت

كه به ماهيها مي ا موخت

"زندگي واقعي در شكم كوسه ها اغاز ميشود"

65 posts since we started.
I'm devastated, you're too. I cried and I know you did too. I don't know where this ends.
Should I go to my supervisor and say: hey, I'm gonna go back home to stand with my friends against the dictator? they may arrest me, they may kill me... remember what they did in 67. They just killed whoever they arrested. But that doesn't matter anymore. we started the way. we should continue, even if it takes several years...we have jumped into it now.

I cried hard. the next one can be you, my sister, my mom, Ali, Rouzbehan,... the next one can be any of us. once while jogging with mom in the park she said sth: you're not ready to see the death, to die for what you do...now we should be ready. we should no forget what happened these days.

Life will be more difficult now, they don't need to hide their ugly faces now. we are used to hard times, remembering that we were born in the war...but this will be more difficult, and we should stay humans. we should control ourselves while fighting with them, we should not become like them, dehumanized brutal bastards.we should keep the ideals and struggle for liberty.

I love you, good that we are alive and we still love.

I think I've lost my phonebook. write your phone for me. gonna call you tomorrow or saturday.

just talked with Nimayi. We flirted and again insisted no brther and sister in law are that lovely and unique and everything. Told him to hit Ali in the balls. friends gathering in their house and Iwanted to be there.

Love keeps us strong.the only thing left for us. Love you

:(

honey I´m so tired I think I will die tonight. I should work till 9 here and then go home and work till 2-3. will be in teh office at 7:30 tomorrow and leave at 11 to Madrid to help for the demo.

have lots of work to do. financial situation is crap and I know baba can´t help me. no hope for future and abit depressed. sleep 4 hours maximum each night. did Self Injury yesterday again and my arms are like I was in a knife battle.

I miss u. and I love you. I love Ali too, tell him and tell him I miss him and I just hope we go for dinner together again and smoke a cigarette together again and be abit happy again.

If you see Rouzbehan one of these days kiss him on cheek for me. Don´t tell him it is from me. tell him to take care

Suddenly I get a flash of me & Ali laughing from the bottom of our hearts, dancing like crazies... those pictures seem so far now...

Sorry honey that I didn't post anything yesterday. I was with Ali. We went to ValiAsr St. in the afternoon and everything went great there. It's great to see how people participate in the most active way you could imagine.

Today would be another Demo at 7eTir and there is another news for Azadi St. too. I don't think I can go cause I'm in my period and I might faint! Too much stress these days... .

What's going on with you?:* Everything's fine?

where are you??:(

where are you??:(

I´m amazed at how hekmatists can be that outdated... in this situation they still say what they said a month ago. no new reaction to what´s happening.

not wise, not wise

امروز دانشگاه بودم. داخل دانشگاه تجمع و راهپیمایی بود در اعتراض به انتخابات و فاجعه ی دیشب تو کوی. رهنورد هم بود در فاصله ی چند متری. گفت امروز نیایم می زنن! بچه ها اعتراض کردن که ما شجاعت می خوایم، گفت دیدین دیشب چه جور زدن؟؟ امروز بدتره. ما دنبال راهکارای دیگه ایم.
چیزی از رهبری نگفت. به نظر هم نمیومد نظرش راجعبه راهپیمایی عوض شه.
فکر می کنم سایت قلم هک شده. چون زنگ زدم به دوستم و گفت از طرف موسوی انجمن اسلامی باز گفت نیاین می خوان بزنن و منم نیستم.
رهبری هم احتمالاً چرته.

what is this? did Mousavi meet fuckin supreme leader?? did he accept he´d lost??

khafe shodam enghad az sob sigar keshidam.

so... i have an exam tomorrow and as u can tell i haven't studied a word!
they're bad news from the uni dorm... .
we went out today, ali & i. then he came over so we could hug. hard times we're all having, all of us. so at last we could cry a little bit together.
he told me he might get arrested. i'm worried of course but i'm trying to convince myself that's the life he likes. the other thing is that he might leave for south africa in 10days. makes me feel so fuckin alone.
i think we would all be at azadi tomorrow.
i'm more hopeful tonight than last night and that's a good sign. ppl are alert and are making moves.

I think of a political fast. do you think we can use it to press them?? If we are alot and inform all the human right groups....??? we should resist, we can´t go back to underground life

tell me something sothat I know what is going on with you these hours. tell me something

write sth. I´m worried...shit

I believe voting contributed more to show the nature of this regime. If we hadn´t we would have never seen what we saw yesterday.

I know we are all desperate, but I think it can be a good start. It´s about time to lose all hope. It´s about time to accept there is no CHOICE here. We are forced to change them. We have no other way now.
I don´t have FB even in the public library. shit. you should tell me what the fuck is going on there.

we´re alive. breathe

ساعت 6 صبح است. بیدار شدم کارهای پایان نامه رو بکنم، این چند روز دائم عقب انداختم. مبایل ها وصل شدن ولی مثنکه اس ام اس هنوز قطعه. بچه ها یه لینک زدن که امروز همه جای ایران ساعت 5 جمع شیم و اعتراض کنیم. جلوی سفارت ها هم برنامه هست. حاتمی، میردامادی، رمضان زاده و کلی آدم دستگیر شدن. چی داره سرمون میاد؟

کودتای 22 خرداد تمام شده است.
باید برای چند ثانیه هم شده پلکهامو ببندم.
بی خوابی، اضطراب، ترس، ناامیدی، غصه، بغض، تنهایی، گریه... روزهای سخت.
شب بخیر

around 7, I was wet. could feel the flow of bloody liquid between my legs. woke up and took shower.
no internet. don´t know where the embajado is. no credit on phone, can´t ask assal. took my computer and took the train to Madrid. charged my phone credit. No answer: Assal, Babak, home. battery finished, public phone doesn´t work. lost two Euro on it. buy a nail polisha and eye pencil from Deborah. starbucks to use Wifi... no battery in computer. back to university and use the net.
miss you.
should tell you all about UN. It was a good trip, lots of stories. wish you were here.
will you be happier tomorrow?

It is probably PMS... the house with no electricity, no internet, and no yahoo mail now!! error code 15 when i have 50 new mails.
and no internet when I have 4 day off. I gonna die. I gonna kill myself. can´t stand this anymore. should talk with my landlord and threaten him:(( hate this life, hate it, hate it, hate it.

mordam az negaraani! kojaaii to?!!
:*

honey i'm so sorry that i don't write here much. we're so busy with the election...
:*

you didn't write.... and I don't say how bad I am. WTF should he think I'm just looking for a boyfriend????????????stupid people.

He had the voice of the one I would always love...not my fault...I wish you get it.:( don't wanna be in Vienna anymore.

I could see myself, doing the work for tomorrow, email it, eat all the Alprazolams and sleep forever. I do

When I wish you were here

I shouldn't say that...I hate myself, I do.

Have you ever wished you had a completely differnt life?that you looked and lived compltely different? wish you were here

I shouldn't say that, but I tell you, I confess I hate the girl I am. wish you were here

She is sad, with that desperate ugly life and noone knows that. They think I'm funny.noone has ever known how sad I have been all my life.wish you were here

and yes, she thinks about putting an end. wish you were here

I brought Alprazolam with me to Vienna. I hate her. wish you were here

the most hate able thing is when u decide not to go out and study; and u don't go out and don't study and get bored. Ali told me that he's gonna be at valiasr st. today with karroubi guys and i can join. but i didn't and thought i would work on my thesis. instead i played facebook's poker and lost a lot and didn't read a word about what i should do tomorrow for my lab experiment. it's already upsetting that i wasted the whole day, but gets worse when i call him every hour and he's so happy and having fun and dancing in the street and says how he wishes i was there.

so.. it's a funny complicated thing, my friendship with ali, niusha & hesam.
hesam's been my friend for 5years. niusha is a new but close one.
ali gets very upset when he's around hesam. and today niusha told me that hesam doesn't like to be around him too. and i should confess i sometimes feel jealous!:P and i think we all feel that way!!
anyway.., we were planning to see tomorrow night's debate btw karroubi & ahmadinejad together with mahsa, but that won't be possible. so i decided to tell ali to come instead of those two. i should call mahsa and may be rouzbehan to see if they wanna join or not.

i'm so dep. my cell phone's bill is here and i'm shocked! 174k toman!! geee! i know it's mostly bcz of the roaming fees i had in my trip, but it couldn't have been THAT much! and this is the second bill for that trip...
i'm totally bankrupted:( mom was gonna give 200k for the bill and some shopping; now the shopping is all gone and i have no manto!!
and i spend my monthly money for dinners that we're mostly out...
upset

It was what I fancied

He would never come back... Austrian blue-eyed gentleman, whose name I would never know...can I help you madam?

It was the moment when I should say: I love your eyes Mr stranger. But he would never come back.

It was just near the most famous Opera hall..."the world's most famous", he said and his eyes were shining. He would never come back. and I would fall for him if he came.

"Thank you" and I left to right and they turned left. it was half a minute later, whn we both turnd and smiled.

He would never come back...we would never live in the world of our fancies.

suddenly I went mad... Rouzbehan had sent me a messag after a long time: vote.
Well, I hate that he sends message just to advise me to vote, I prefer not to hear from him if it's gonna be like this.


There is a sick guy on the sofa.... poooof. I want some adam hesabie adorable.

THIS MR PRESIDENT IS KIND OF PORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!!! He is sange paye ghazvin

German sounds strange, people look far away... and I feel lonely.
loneliness is when you go somewhere, and you do not need to tell anyone you have arrived or the flight was good or not.

I will wake up in the morning, take shower and drink a coffee, and go walk in the streets and breathe the Austrian air.

take care, and tell it to Ali too.

MOUSAVI-AHMADINEJAD debate
a night in our life to remember

be ali migam az inaas ke 20-30 saal dige bachehaamoon mikhoonan kaf mikonan migan vaaghan didin ino shomaa?!
ali injaa bood, alan biroone, saa'ate 2 e shabe, biroon shoooolooooogh shode, ye kam negaranesham, vali khob, khodesh aaghele:)
kolliam baghal kardim khoob shodam:)

i'm very sag today!:P

i get very depressed when boyfriend doesn't call me and i feel like i've made all the calls recently. then i get so sensitive on this and if he does it again makes me go very mad. so today i had this problem with ali too. i got angry on him for not caring enough to call me even not after i mention that it makes me sad & angry. he didn't like the talk and told me he doesn't like to feel like he has to call and i told him i don't like to feel like i'm always calling too and bla bla bla. then i slept and woke with his msg telling me that i can join him in mellat park to see tonight's discussion between mousavi & ahmadinejad and i said i don't like to. anyway later i called and told him that he can come over and he agreed. so we're gonna watching that tonight together probably with my mom & dad.

i shouldn't be so sag & gir i guess.... am i?:P i hope we go great again today.. .

Have you read that Iranian Officials are invited to the US Independance Day Ceremonies around the world???
Let´s see if the next government has a new strategy for US-Iran relations.

I bought a new Garnier shampoo, and a hair mask with vitamin B. to tell the truth, I did SI again last night, I put snail cream on it after and also polished my nail again, pink, cause I lost my dark blue and I couldn´t find a good dark one yesterday. I like to get a nice purple or green next time, maybe in Duty Free I find a good one.

then I decided to go with a suitcase rather than my backpack, cause I have stupid formal suite that I will need to iron if I put it in a backpack, and I do not have a travelling iron. I don´t like suitcase but it´s ok this time.let´s hope the flight is not full, then I won´t need to check it in and will save some money for buying chocolate:d

abit nervous, should put the rent on the table before I leave. and should think of saving some money instead of shopping and going to Ballets and Operas. well, I never really learn how to save. I think money is for spending not for keeping. It´s not the way the world works though (that´s why my father went bankrupt twice and loste everything)
dont know which one to take for this week: Henry James book, or Joyce´s Ulysses...

rush!

in rush:
I am going home, well, first to buy some hair care stuff and kesh o gheireye khoshgel to make it feel better.

I go to Vienna tomorrow, so I will be out of access abit until I check the hostel´s internet. Take care!!!

my head is still painful so I probably wait for the pain to stop and then do something funky.

Daniel says I´m guappisimo(very beautiful) today to make me feel better. miss you so much and love you:*

i'm sorry that i have no special news to tell!:P :D
can't believe how much i worked today! i was in the clinic for my university internship. then i went to the lab for my thesis. i love my mice!:D they're so healthy and sheitoon!:D then i went to INRP, it's a research center near the uni that my friends and i meet, it's our very own place!:D i met amirhosien there and we talked from everywhere. he's been the closest for some years now, always the one to relay on, the one who cares:) then i went for my "summer" internship. busy busy day!

i can't wait for tomorrow to finish! then i'm gonna have 2 whole days to rest and spend with ali:D

I know, I know it is a shame... but I ´m just checking everyone´s hair as they pass...and remember the morning when Michael told me: Girls are lucky if they have half of your hair


:((((( I´m just so obsessed with this. can´t do anythingmy sculp is still painful and you´re probably still in the street:(

Cookipedia

Cool!!! well if you like cooking and baking and eating ....

Have you noticed how my life is shaped by the memories?and I just noticed Ihave a graphical memory, good for decribing, good for writing...

I rememberred the pain I felt when someone stole my sun glasses that dad had brought from England, and I cried for 8 hours constantly while mom was hugging me, I felt less pain the day after and it went away after a week. That´s what I need, I need to cry non-stop to accept the situation, otherwise it would stay in me, like an undetangled knot, and I should carry the pain with me all the time

I think that´s what happened with that relationship, there was noone to hug me when I wanted to cry the pain out. That´s why I still carry the pain...

btw, I have not had anything more beautifull than that sunglasses, they were spectacular, and bought with love when we still had a pretty good life together.

Nimayi, lovely Nimayi

Nima called me... and I think noone has emotional feelings toward a brother in law as much as I have. My biggest wish now is Mehrnoosh and Nima have teh happiest life possible together. I know it´s abit stupid for someone with my believes... anyways, I think it´s really good that he is around my sis, and I think they are one of the few people who always care about me, and I´m always worried of losing them.

By the way, watch Ken Robinson´s talk, it was really really good
http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html

Notes from the ugly Chipa

called mom, in the meeting and she did not get how imoprtant was it for me. went to the toilet, cried and still can´t believe it has happened.
I remeberred father when he cut his hair for chemotherapy, and I cried again. He was sad, and I should learn it happens.
I know how this is my inertia against change. I want to keep things as they were two years ago. It looks a simple hair dresser mistake and it will be back soon, but It doesn´t happen that simple in my mind. Everyone laughs at me when I take it so seriously...but I know why I react this way. I need something in my life remain and don´t change, I want to stop feeling a loss. and that uckin hairdresser ruined all my hope to get back to life.

nothing is as simple as it looks.

:(:(

funny that disposable spare is the first priority in the morning.... I should tell you that I almost lost my hair. And I honestly cried the whole time. I went to cut the ends as it was almost a year and my long hair needs regular care. The hairdresser started brushing it, well, every one knows that you don´t brush a long wet curly hair, and not from the top. You should use a wooden comb to do that and you have to spend half an hour atleast. and she broke almost half of my hair. I was just shocked, and as I didn´t have my glasses on, I couldn´t see wtf she was doing. She probably wanted to finish in 20 minutes... now I understand how good was Maorizio in Italy although I paid 50 euros for that hair cut.
The final result is horrible, and I have to be careful to have them grow again, vitamins and hair repair liquids stuff. Probably it was the only thing I liked in my whole body. Michael loved to comb it every morning...:(and my head is still painful because of her violent brushing

I feel really really bad, I feel ugly and I miss my hair and I hate that hairdresser. I almost like to go and kill her or cut all her hair. look, I started crying again.:(

well it's near 1 a.m. and i should get to bed soon and wake up in less than 5h!
i'm so so tired. i have lack of sleep in the last 48h which i'm very sensitive to.
but oh i had a great day! i called ali in the afternoon and he told me that i can join him in valiasr sq. to talk to ppl on election stuffs. and of course i did and well that was all fun. i feel much more active with him. he's just full of life and passion and hope. for the first time, i have a close friend far more energetic than myself and i lo ve it. i love all his moves, the way he talks and oh the way he laughs!
hihi!:D
i really hate that we won't have much time together. i really wish there was a good choice here. anyway.

i wish i was there to hug u dearest>:D< i really wish i could do it. i read the notes and i felt how you need someone around. wish you could take a trip to here again. wish we were all together... boos:*

I tell everyone: I want to go home after graduation.
Do I lie? What is my desire?

And I know my father hates my decision. And I know Self Portraitist will be in Europe when I leave, and I know I will have more freedom here. And I know I will argue with my mother everyday. And I know I will not work in the position I like, and I will lose some chances.

But:

- I do not like the idea of staying here in any case. There are standards for my life.

- I have been depressed more than all my life in the last two years

- I have lost my physical health rapidly and increasingly

- I missed the joy of playing with my cousin, discussing with my sister, and hugging my father

- I have been alone, I failed to maintain an emotional relationship.

- I have not studied as good as I wanted. My academic accomplishments were negative.

- I feel I wasted two years of my life which could be much better if I rejected this admission, stayed one year more in Iran, kept my relationship with my lover, worked to have more experience and applied again.

- I don´t want to be my uncle, who didn´t come to Iran for Grandma´s funeral.

- I remember my father´s cancer, Grandpa´s heart attack and Grandma´s death.

- I love my brother in law.

I am not sure if I have decided much better this time. I am not sure why the life can´t be simpler than this. Why you and Ali and I and everyone else can´t live a better life together.

Is this a failure? You think I will be desperate after comin back and staying in Iran again?

P.S: I cried the whole day when I saw the news about the bomb on the plane, and I am so worried that Nima goes to Ahvaz every two weeks with the fuckin plane.

to you...

stay young dearest, stay young...

:(

Still shaking from that night,

my mind ...

the crack grows forever...in the fading citylight

....

never forget: I orderred myself

I should admit: I do self harm/self injury.

I cut my both arms everyday when Rouzbehan was arrested. Funny that he never understood how that affected my life, and funny that in resopnse, he just left me behind.

He is right, I can never forgive him. But each scar on my arm reminds me of how much in love I was once.

P.S: It´s kind of like Edward Scissorhands with all that scars...and good to know Depp also had a SI problem. Doesn´t it feel better to know your fav. actor is crazy in the same way?