می میرم...هر روز بیشتر از دیروز

If you were here, I wouldn't need to try not to be alone. If you were hear I wouldnt act that stupid.

wish you were here:******

I wonder...how hard I try to convince people not to fall in love with me...and if they fall, how hard I try to convince them to forget me.

Is it just normal? I'm 25. I am filled with fear. I'm filled with the feeling that there is exactly no one I like-apart from the sexual attraction. and it's mostly true. those who I like sexualy are disgusting humans. they don't understand what I want and I find them empty. I'm 25 and I don't think I even want to share a part of my life with anyone. I enjoy spending my time in NGOs, with labor children...and I hate the standard answers to what a good life is. I hate staying, and I hate leaving.

I know what I want, I know what I want sucks, I know I don't get there. I can't convince myself to be happy with something/someone lacking the main elements. and atthe same time these less -than-perfect elements turn out to be sexy. and I can't lie and say they're satisfying. and they disappear.

ironies, a generation full of oronies, a country full of irnoies, a self full of ironies, a life full of ironies...sometimes I want to tell my brain to shut the fuck up. It never stops the dialogue and I am few persons living in one body.



:*

P.S1: it was not the reason behind my status. I will post that one on FB
P.S2: mom is right. my friends will all go one day. I'm selfish...I don't want any of them to leave me. I don't want Goli to find a bf or u or Puri.but she's right that I won't be that attractive 10 years later and I'll finally be lonelier than ever forever. the thing is that even when I know this, I can't force myself to be conservative and accept those less-than-perfect people in my life.

he's not going to write me back. :( there is a worm inside me, eating my flesh. pain

That's it. they become shorter and shorter. I fall in love for just hours...and that's my life now. It's just painful, even for myself.

and he smelled even better than him. you see how it's painful? after three years I felt much better with some one...and it lasted less than a day. I just suffer too much. I know none of them can last long, but I always get trapped in the emotional decisions. and for a week I take it serious, then I finally can understand how comic it has been since the beginning. but it takes another period of depression.

it's hard not to take it serious, even when we normally know, or we claim to know.when it comes to the point of emotional, and sexual attraction, everything confuses me.

It was painful this time.:(
good that I can atleast tell you about it.:*

اینترنت زغالی. تنهایی، ترس و دیگر هیچ. انقدر خلوت

fekkonam chiz daaram.., winter depression...

tired. back from protest. mom had teargas on the street and has red eyes.

tablo shodam emruz tu sharif. ba sina bargashtam khune ke tanha nabasham.delam tang shode barat dr! jat khali!

vaai in seriale FlashForward ro daaram mibinam jadidan. ba'ed alan vasatesh masalan maloom shod ke ye shakhsiatesh lesbiane (ghablan hint haash bood albate), oonam baa ye lesbianish kiss dar yek dinner date! kheili sexy bood be nazaram!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-ayQfoNBEk (02:36)

deltnagi:*

نگفتم بهت. 3 روز پیش با مامان دعوا کردیم. در حد شکستن میز و این حرفها. شب قرص خوردم زیاد. 10 تا اینا. به روز بعد که بیدار شدم با چمدون رفتم خونه مهرنوش. امروز صبح مهرنوش هم گفت اونجا نمونم. مجبوری برگشتم خونه . دلم میخواست مرده بودم. یعنی فکر کردم میمیرم اما وسط قرص خوردنه رسماً بیهوش شدم و قرص ها مونده بود توی مشتم

نمیدونم چرا به همه چی ریده شده.

tarse ajibi daaram.

doosti hast injaa ke man saalhaast mishnaasamesh. dooste doostpesarhaaie ghablim boode. too iran vali oooonghadi nemididim hamo ke bekhaaim beshnaasim o inaa.

dafe'ei ghabli ke oomadam aalmaan baraaie mosaahebe, baahaash khaabidam. nemidoonam bishtar az khaabidan shaayad bood. baa vojoode inke az tarafe daaneshgaah jaa daashtam, raftam khooneie oon va baa ham boodim. chand roozi bood ke khoob bood vaaghan.

ghablesh man taaze ali ro dide boodam ke oomadam aalmaan. gofte boodim doost hastim; man bekhaatere tajrobehaaie ghabli, motmaen boodam ke bargardam doost nistim. shaayad vaase in baa oon pesar kheili raahat khaabidam.

ye mas'ealeie dige, ine ke man balad nistam NA begam. yaa haddeaghal taa ghable ali balad naboodam. yani hamishe fekkardam nabaayad doostaamo naaraahat konam. baraaie hamin age kasi chizi khaaste ke man dalile khaassi baraaie mokhaalefat baahaash nadaahstam hatman chon bimoz'e boodam anjaamesh daadam ke oon doost khoshhaal she. in kheili mano aziat karde too zendegi. axare kasaaii ke baraashoon tarif mikonam ino, nemifahman. nemifahman chejoori mishe adam natoone NA bege. fek mikonan hatman khodam mikhaastam. vali man midoonam ke kheili vaghtaa kheili kaaraa ro kardam chon baghiaro khoshhaal mikarde va man dar moghaabelesh bitafaavot boodam.

hala in doost, az vaghti gharar shod biaam aalmaan, chandin baar msg zad ke delesh sexe baa man ro mikhaad. goftam ke doospesar daaram. kheili mohtaramaane ma'ezerat khaast baarhaa ke bitavajjoh be relationship statusam oon harfaa ro zade.

oomadam injaa, hamishe komakam boode. khodesh shahre digeiie. vali hamishe harkaari balad naboodam yaadam daade. naamehaamo hamaro tarjome mikone va har komaki ye dooste kheili khoob betoone kone.

vali az vaghti oomadam, bitavajjoh be doospesar daashtanam, daaeman az inke belakhare baa man sex mikone sohbat mikone. man nemidoonam keyaa harf jeddie keyaa shookhi. vali fek mikonam jeddie.

man hamishe modaam az ali migaml va oon hamishe mige ke in raabete maskharas.

hala emshab, alan, zang zad. ke in hafte ke bikaari biaa injaa. va tozih daad chejoori biaam ke arzoon she. man moondam chi begam. aakhar goftam oonjaa koochike chizi nadaare to biaai injaa manteghitare. fek nemikardam bege miaad; vali goft aare harfet manteghie!!! ba'ed goft be har haal yaa to biaa, yaa man, yaa berim ye jaaii, HATMAN.

taa jaaii ke shod sa'ei kardam jaaie dar-ro baraaie khodam bezaaram, ke bayad bebinam shayad supervisoram bege biaa lab. goft be har haal aakhare haftaro ghat'ean nemige. harfi nadashtam bezanam.

aakharesh, goft, in larzeshi ke az tars too sedaat miofte kheili khoobe!

vaaghan mitarsam mahsa. nemidoonam bayad chi kaar konam. nemidoonam yaad gereftam begam NA? nemidoonam baayad be onvaane ye doost baahaash beram yaa chon midoonam mikhaad bokonim naram. nemidoonam mahsa.

mitarsam.

bilit gereftam! 25dec-8jan!>:D<

رفته بودم پراگ. دیدمش و حرف نزدیم.ادا در می آورم که همه چیز خوب است و میشود پشت بار نشست وپشت کرد به او و چای خورد. و انگار نه انگار، و چشم دوخت به امیر و پوریا و کتاب خواند.
و پشت کرد به همه این دنیای الان حشیش گرفته جمعی که از هم پاشید، و تک تک آدم هایش هم از هم پاشیدند و شدندآدم های دیگری که یک واژه هم نتواند میانمان باشد.

تنهایی اینجاست. وسط کافه ای که همه آدم هایش را به اسم و قیافه و گذشته شان میشناسم. اما هیچکدامشان را با من حرفی نیست. شقه ای از من هنوز عاشق آن دنیاست و عاشق آن آدم های گذشته...و انگار هیچوقت نبوده اند. انگار دلم برای آدمی تنگ شده باشد که مرده. و این آدمی که من پشت به او میکنم و شبیه اوست، هر لحظه روی این دلتنگی من و روی قبر همان آدمی که قدیم بود تف بیاندازد

جهالت میلان کوندرا برایم به حقیقت پیوست. زندگی عجب داستان دردناکیست

دلم دپرشن های کافه های پر دود تهران رو میخواد. دپرشن هایی كه براشون میتونستم هزار و یک دلیل بیارم؛ نه دپرشن های بی دلیل اینجا رو.

تصویر من از من نفرت انگیز است. قرص ها بیشرمتر از همیشه این تصویر را پاک نمیکنند. کابوسهایم چنان آمیخته شده با این آدم کج و معوج، آدم احمق چرند....

به آخر خط خیلی وقت بود رسیده بودم

dochaare ye depressione khaassi shodam. inke zood aadat mikonam be sharaayet.., haghighatan joz maman baba delam vaase hishki o hichie iran tang nemishe omooman. vali dar eine haal injoori nis ke khoshaal baasham az zendegie injaa; ye jooraaii ehsaas mikonam zendegi nemikonam, migzaroonam faghat, bedoone inke baraam mohemm baashe ke ye kaare hayejaanangiz konam yaa adamaie hayejaanangiz bebinam. ehsaas mikonam ke ghablan hichvaght hichi naboode..., kollan injooriam fekkonam, vaghti ye chizi tamoom mishe, ehsaas mikonam hichvaght naboode. axare khaateraate madresam mahv o gongan. hanooz hichi nashode, gaahi khoob baayad fekr konam taa yaadam biaad khaaterehaaie daghighe daaneshgaaho. delam vaase hich ex ii tang nemishe. midooni, ehsaas mikonam hichvaght hichi naboode, ba'ed ehsaas mikonam alan faghat ye doreie gozaraas ke faghat baayad begzaroonamesh, va dar eine haal hich hayejaaniam vaase aayandam nadaram. fekkonam maale tanhaaiie..., nemidoonam vali. shaayadam maale hormone haa o inaas va period sham khoob sham. faghat midoonam ke in zendegi kardan nis.

دوس دارم با تو هم قهر کنم. یعنی میدانستی و به من نگفتی؟؟ یعن گذاشتی دلم خوش باشد که برمیگردم و روزی از نو؟؟ امروز قصه خوردم زیاد. ملت حق داشتن به من بخندند

چرا هیچ بهانه ای برای زنده ماندم نمانده؟؟؟؟؟:(

back. love you.

those that I fall in love with, never fall in love with me. this is all my unfortunate attempts.

he was great, though he did not see me at all. though he ignored me. or I ignored my emotions. Future nostalgia. and the life goes on

and so it's over. I'm not emotionally smart enough. I may even cry on the way. the world has no place for some of us. not life friendly enough to be accepted in the cycle.

alan dar vaziate kaamelan fuck hastam:

1. radiatore khoonam kaar nemikone, albate sard nis hanooz, vali chera man???

2. accounte daaneshgaam id-m ro nemishnaase, albate mishe ye rooz raft goft o hal mishe, vali cheraa man?:((

3. badtarin gande momkeno zadam, vaase credit card gharar bood baram pin biaad, man fek mikardam code bayad baashe, gooyaa hamin chize hologram boode ke man dar jostojooie code paare kardam!!, taghsire man nabood:(( dor taa doresh jaaie paare kardan daasht! va chasbiam nabood hatta,. ah in ghashang daare geryamo dar miaare dige:(

bad, bad
how is it for you?

Have you noticed every possible disaster happens to me?:)) well I passed the swine flu check in Beijing, which I was worride about, but they lost my luggage! I knew it's not gonna be a relax travel again. Now there are three cases:- one the document I lost, two the luggage I lost, and three the double payment for the ticket is not refunded yet. Seriously every fuckin thing happens to me!

BTW, ppl are crazy about swine flu here. they have masks and stuff and foreigners seem to be the only relax group about it in both Beijing and Seol airports!And then, I can not figure out what's on the boards :)) I think they should atleast use kinglish (korean-English!)for names and streets!

and something, I want the hole women's prison series. The other night I was talking about your amazing self portraits and I want to show that album to some friends. Yes. I'm so proud of u!

residi khabar bede. negaranet shodam az bikhabari :*

donatde blood for the last time in Europe.I´m so nervous for tomorrow that I have my Korean embassy appointment. so weak against this visa stuff.

do you mind opening an account with your name in Munich, that I use to put my money in it. and as well, getting a credit card with your name for that account that I use? I wanted first to do it in UK where my cousin is. but her bank once rejected Iranian funds and I was hoping Germany would be better. I keep my Spanish account till you settle. But after that if you open this one I will transfer the funs in my spanish account to that one. then I can keep a credit card for three years and give you the money I have to put it there whenever you come home.

last day. smell the air of your home...and keep it till you find a new one.

I´m devastated

I'm beginning to think that there's at least one reason to be happy right now:

"I'm getting closer to Ali :)"

or shall I say the only reason?:P

I did not get visa. I will be back in Iran in less than a month. do you think we meet again? do you think we survive this? I´m in my depression mode...

we will not survive

we will not survive

daaram dep misham narafte!

:)))

I quite enjoy the fact that the Chinese girl is so pissed at me that she uses every opportunity to ruin me infront of others. and it's the 2nd time I keep her unanswered.

people are stupidly funny

Chen Xin Fianlly made up her mind to do PHD other than learning Spanish and French... Then her name is just missed in the list....
9 hours ago · Comment · Like

Mahsa Taheran
but you say you knew...so why you decided to do a PhD instead of French and Spanish when you knew they wouldn't put your name??!
Chen Xin
Don't take everything so serious... Mahsa... People are just joking..... Also a suggestion....

Mahsa Taheran
well I didn't get a joking thone, both times you said that sentence.

Chen Xin
................. Because you are serious................. That's the reason you are easily to be angry... and easily to be complaining..

:))The girl is such a kid,..., and though I was tempted to say something like: oh baby, you know everything! or something annoying, I dcided to laugh at this behaviour with Lucia. Though I could be mad as well, cause she is obviously very impolite and FB is where everyone reads everything... but I know she is not worthy of even answering.

khube!!khoshgele!!! in curvehaye shoma hamaro koshte dge

rasti, un axe to o goli kami ironic bud, ehtemalan be kahtere hozure penhane ali. shayad vase man ke har 3 tatuno mishnasam va ba niusha o ali ghadima doos budam ...:*

hafteie dige, in moghe, too otaaghe jadidam khaabam mibare?

emshab natoonestam bemoonam khooneie niusha ina; delam tange mamanam bood.

aakharin 5shanbe shab too tehran.

kamkam daare tars migiratam.

maman, baba, va tanhaaii.

there is one capability that eases the pain of life... learn not to get used to. temporary nature of everything in the stream of life...I´m so lost, as all the memories are running away from me. I can´t touch the moments, they´re turning to memories in near future. It´s a crazy state of being out of your life and looking at it as a future memory happening in present, as I know I will not see these people from Next Monday, I will be disappeared from all the corridors and lunch times and coffee breaks. I don´t know if I want a static picture ... but the vertigo of a life turning and turning is not pleasant now.

the life goes on, but there will be something missing after each breaking point.

Hey hey I missed u>:D< When is ur trip?:*

The annoying time:
I work with one of my classmate for conference and stuff. but he keeps feeling so close to me. he is extremely nice, and does whatever I need. but I see him as a classmate. worst part is when he gets worried if we don´t email or talk for a day. kind of feel like I have to report my day to him. This is getting sometimes absolutely annoying. I even don´t tell my sis or my BF or my parents about my everyday plan. don´t know what to do with it. I try to be nice, but can´t deny that I´m pissed.

Alprazolam?....still have one package to go.

The report found that alprazolam is the most common benzodiazepine for recreational use followed by clonazepam, lorazepam, and diazepam. Those who have used other drugs for leisure are particularly likely to use alprazolam recreationally


I´ll take it